Tre's Big Weekend

Last weekend the Boy had a packed social schedule. We started on Saturday morning with getting him dressed up as The Batman for the Boo Parade & Carnival so we headed out. He had his three urban fairy dads in tow and met his Auntie Lisa, Auntie Leng and Nani on the parade route. Unfortunately the parade was a little slow to start so we only got to watch the first 15 to 20 minutes of it. Check out the Flcker page over the next couple days for the uploaded photos from the morning.

Then from the parade we went down to the carnival for lunch and to ride some rides. We ate some yummy food only available at carnivals. Larry took Tre to the rides to have some fun while adults rested and chatted. He came back happy and excited to be out and about. Then from there we headed home for a power nap back at the house. The Boy got up from his nap and we got him dressed to go to the park for a playdate with some other Queer dads and their kids at the park.

So the back story here for the gathering is that our friends Lae Lae & Rowena knew two other parents who adopted kids from the same foster home that Tre was at. In fact some of them were staying there at the same time Tre was. It was a small world in Queertown. We met Bill, Fransico and Laurie (sp?) that day. It was incredible to hang out with another non-black dad with black adoptive kids. We shared stories and swapped hair/skin care tips. We also got more insight into Tre and his foster mom Lynn that was invaluable. It was great to have a space to talk about the unique issues faced by queer parents adopting with the county. It was also humbling to meet single dads & moms raising kids with grace, poise and compassion. I tip my hat to Bill, Fransico and Laurie for the incredible effort they put into their kids everyday.

So if getting us together wasn't a gift in of itself, Lae Lae & Rowena went that extra mile (as usual) as hosts and has us all for dinner over at their house. Yummy homemade pizza (Laurie was also slinging cheese and dough as well), salad and some dessert including home baked finger cookies (very Halloween themed), ice cream and fresh fruit. The kids played, made music and had a blast playing for several hours. The adults got a chance to talk more and bond. It was a great time and fantastic dinner. We're hoping we've made new friends from the evening.

After that (oh yes there is more) we left there and went to my dad's 49th birthday party at his condo in Hillcrest. We arrived and the Boy became the belle of the ball. He had the whole room playing with him and he practically glowed from the attention he got over the next couple of hours. It was great to watch my dad in his first public appearance as Grandad Don and the obvious pride and love he felt for Tre. It only reaffirmed my pride and love for the Queer culture; where we gladly take outsiders, outcasts and the unwanted and make them family. There is a wealth of love and praise for people that we fold into our community. Once again I am so thankful to have found my tribe and to be able to introduce my son to them as well.

So after that we finally headed home to our house and peeled the Boy off the roof of the car ( to say he was stimulated would not do his state justice) and took him in to go to bed. He slept then got several hours of daddy time the next morning. He then went with his Aunties (Lisa & Leng) to a children's birthday party where he proceeded to play, play and play. He went back to their house and we picked him up that night. So all in all it was action packed for him. It was a good test run for the next weekend which will be Halloween and a costume wedding (Dan & Megan's) and our house getting some major plumbing renovations. Wish us luck.

Steps Forward

Once again we've made some pushes forward with the county and got the Boy some more services. This last week has been a series of "punches in the gut" moments. Tre has been having some odd moments here and there we think as he remembers more of his abuse or more accurately body memories of what happened. 

The other day we had some friends over and their kids as well. I was running around getting some things done with kids racing around and being well kids. Katie (friend from the SC bunch) got my attention that something was up with Tre. He had sort of huddled up on the floor between the wall and the dining room table. He could only really tell us he was not okay but not much more. He's had a few nights of nightmares and just last night couldn't sleep in his room so we set him up in the living room. It's jarring since most of the time he's a happy and engaging little guy then he has these moments and we just do what we can which feels like very little unfortunately but we're trying to remember that just having an adult saying "I'm here and your safe." is a huge deal for Tre.

We met with Susan Gordon (Tre's therapist at the Chadwick Center) and really liked her. First point in her favor was her complete acceptance of the three dad situation. It's amazing how much ground people can lose with us for not rolling with it. She was right on track with what we wanted for the Boy. Play therapy and helping him establish some safety rules for his body and himself. She was attentive and gave us the time/space to talk about all of our concerns about him and took in all our information. It was nice to have someone in a professional position listen to us for a change about Tre. She was very clear about how therapy may or may not affect Tre and left all of us with a strong sense of him being in good hands.

Regina and Don have been awesome (a trend they have really held strong to with Tre) with their newest grandson. Don took him sailing (check Flcker for the shots) and Tre is still talking about going on the boat. Regina has been sending regular care packages of books and educational things to Tre and we're planning a trip to her house to introduce him to the piano since he has a fondness for singing and dancing. I have been so happy and thankful for the space and time they have made in their lives for him. Thank you both so much!

We just had a run of birthdays this month (Saul, Lisa, Dan, Larry, Toria, Don - the list goes on) and just went out to dinner last night at the Corvette Diner (50s style place) for Lisa's birthday. The kids (Nani, Nia and Tre) had a blast with the loud music and colorful staff. Straws were woven into hair, bubble gum thrown through the air and some dancing made the night perfect for active toddlers. I'll try to get the picture up from that event later this week. We have my dad Don's party on Saturday night where a lot of his friends will meet Tre for the first time. 

Add to the birthday mix some Halloween fun as well. We're going to the Boo Parade & Carnival this Saturday morning where the Boy will be none other than The Batman! We're going with the Caloh family to check it out and eat some yummy carnival food. The later that afternoon we have a rare opportunity to spend some time with Tre's foster siblings who were adopted by a friend of our friend Lae Lae(six degrees). She is hosting a get together and dinner with other parents and their kids.  So busy weekend for us Stouder-Studenmunds. 

That's it from the Zoo and as always feel free to call, write or visit. :)

Understanding the Boy

So here I am again. Sorry for the gap there been a little busy with real life as they say. We've started some pretty intense work on Tre and making sure he's getting everything he needs. Bill and I went to the Chadwick Center for their orientation this last Tuesday and it was a difficult experience. Not the actual presentation but rather facing a room of parents facing huge challenges. I think I understood that the Center dealt with violence/trauma in the terms of families but it was a different matter to face people who had children who had been victimized in a myriad of ways. 

Like most meetings of this nature you're asked to give your name and why you're there and it was painful to watch other parents relive in small ways the abuse that their children had endured. The aura of anguish and guilt was palatable. You could see in everyone's eyes the need to understand and somehow undo all that happened to their children. It was a room of shell shocked survivors of a sort. I'm not exactly eager to go to the next two meetings but we're committed to the process so we'll hang in there.

All this week has been Tre saying things that leave all of us happy that he's learning he can trust us but worried as well. He says things like "Look at my back, did you see my back?" On his back is a C shaped scar from the physical abuse as well as his thigh. He talks to us about the scars and how he remembers going to the doctors and seems to get so sad and small. We've tried talking to him to see if we can get him to discuss the abuse but he always reaches a point where he shuts down. We ask him if he's sad or scared and that we're here for him. That he's safe now and can talk to us about anything that makes him feel sad or afraid. We're just not sure what to do beyond that. It's my hope that the Chadwick Center can help us make progress with him or at the very least give us a road map for what's happening to him.

We've gotten so good I think of avoiding his triggers that we (like many people) tend to forget the circumstances under which he came to us. Just last night we went out to dinner for Larry's 30th birthday (check out Flickr soon I'll have some photos up from the event) and as we walked from the car to the restaurant we passed a shadowed archway and Tre froze in place. He hovered on the edge of becoming hysterical and it threw us off for just a second. We quickly recovered and assured him that we were just going to walk on by and not go anywhere near the archway. It's moments like that that underscore the need for us to get a handle on what's going on in his head and help him sort it out.

Overall though he is a delightful and spirited person. He's always eager to play with us and the other kids in our life. He has really embraced the new extended family he has. He is joyful when any of his many Aunts or Uncles come by for a visit. He spends some time every day pointing out people in the photos all around our house and asking us if that's his Auntie Lisa or Nana Regina. Even though he's only been here for a little more than two months he feels fundamental to us. While the first week was hectic and had us scrambling since then it's felt like Tre has always been here from the beginning. I was prepared to feel some resentment or maybe irritation at having to shift my time and energies so completely but it hasn't come up. The same with Larry and Bill. While they both have had to make adjustments as well no where in the process did they feel like it was too much or anything negative about the compromises.

So like parents all over the world, we struggle to understand our child and to be what he needs in any given moment. I think we're doing ok. :)

Rock & Roll

Well, sorry for the fall off there in the blog but I spent the last weekend passing a kidney stone (the male equivalent of giving birth) and was heavily medicated for most of it. It took me a few days to get back on my feet and my head clear. I'm up and doing great now and wanted to catch everyone up on the doings of the 54th Street Zoo.

We met Tre's new social worker (Catherine Craft - name sounds like something you'd pick for theatre or porn) and she seems great. We had a meeting here at the house and she walked us through the next steps for Tre's adoption. We have to just wait so the county can show due diligence to the courts in trying to contact his birth parents and informing them of the .26 hearing. She actually knew our case which was a refreshing change from other social workers. After spending a year doing our home study, writing autobiographies, and going through several long interviews we had social workers who were supposedly familiar with our home study say insightful things like "You're a gay couple?" or "Who's Larry?". She seems very capable and has what appears to be a reasonable grasp on how everything is going to play out.

So I am going to try to avoid the parent trap of saying over and over again like some maniacal meat puppet "Tre's doing great!" or "He's doing just fine!". The Boy is doing pretty well over all but we have some concerns. He keeps complaining of stomach aches that don't seem to be related to food. I've been monitoring his bowel movements, changing up what he eats and making a note of when he complains about his tummy bothering him and I can't find anything solid except anxiety or tension. At this point most parents would have the option of taking him to the doctor's to get him checked out but we're still foster parents and face a few obstacles there. Medicare has to approve his visits and he had a wellness checkup (he gets one a year - that's right as a toddler he gets one visit a year to see if everything is okay) just before he came to live with us so they won't authorize a visit without gross physical symptoms (blood in his stool, throwing up, etc).  I loathe to lie at this point since we may have to deal with this agency for the next 6 months to a year.

So then I thought to myself what if we get a therapist to see Tre and they can verify he is anxious or tense and that might be affecting his stomach. We know he has a PTSD trigger (darkened archways or corridors can make him hysterical) that I have been trying to get the county to help us with by way of referrals to resources that could help us out or point us in the right direction in how to help the little guy. I decided they had a month and now it was my turn to try to see what could be done. I made some calls and found a great place attached to Children's Hospital called the Chadwick Center. I did some research, made calls and got the ball rolling but it will be at least another month before we can get someone from there to see him since we have to go through the county to get things started. We're feeling a little like we have our faces pressed against the glass trying to reach for what we need. It's extremely frustrating to say the least.

So while I think Tre is settling in with us we still have things to deal with and take care of. Any input anyone has on the things mentioned above, do not hesitate to comment/call/email us. As always we are grateful for the insight/help from our family/friends.