Pre-Thanksgiving Leftovers

So, not a lot of new stuff to put up right at the moment, but I did want to do a bit of follow-up from the end of October. It was fairly busy, and we did have at least two big events that I wanted to mention.

The first was Don's (Torrey's Dad) 50th birthday party. The whole

family spent most of the day at Don's condo, mingling and celebrating the man that raised Torrey. Torrey has done so much to help all of us, and he lays the praise squarely at Don's feet. I've heard him tell time and time again that if it wasn't for Don adopting him, he knows that he wouldn't have the happy life that he has now, and wouldn't have the resources to help all of us the way he has. So, besides being a great Grandpa and good friend, we have all that to thank Don for as well.

It was a pretty gala event, with a towering cake and a ton of guests.

Michael Ramirez did a lot to set up and organize the event, and we all chipped in before hand with a little elbow grease to help out. There were somewhere around 40 guests in Don's condo, so moving around required a good imitation of salmon swimming upstream. Highlights of the party included a video montage of all of Don's guests commenting on Don and their history with him, and Siddha, who was, as usual, the hit of the party.

The other big event at the end of the month was Halloween. The family as a whole has a good time, even though Torrey usually ends up working at the Costume Shop, which is

a good family friend of ours that is understandably swamped around this time of year. Everyone had a good time, with the kids Trick-or-Treating just before sundown around Lisa's neighborhood and scoring a ton of good loot. Lisa decorated her house, and was apparently so scary

she managed to keep a few of the younger kids from even making it to the door.

The kids costumes were adorable in their costumes, and even Lisa and Bill got into it. If

this was a photo blog, I'd add in a couple of dozen

great pictures we took of the kids in costume, Dan and

Megan in their amazing Daphne and Velma costumes, Torrey in his

Fabulous Fire thing, the house in all it's spooky Halloween glory, etc etc etc. But, if you're read

ing this, more likely than not you have our Flickr links with all the photo's up there. If not, look up on the right at the small montage of images,

and click on it to go to our photostream. Between use and the girls we probably have a hundred pictures up from that night, so there's plenty to go around.

Anywho, I'm going to leave it off there for now. I'll toss up another post fairly soon covering Tre's birthday party(ies) and the 54th Street Zoo Adoption Day gala.

And the season of Feasting and Pumpkins is upon us!

Good afternoon! You're regularly scheduled blogger couldn't be with you, but I'll happily be filling in.

It's been a couple of months since our last blog post (not that you'd have known it around here, time just flies when you're busy.) September was an excellent month. Tre started school at UCP (Unitarian Cooperative Preschool), which is a co-op preschool currently at the local Unitarian Universalist church (affectionately referred to as UU's). For those of you not familiar with a co-op school, they basically use time and effort donated by the parents of the children attending the school to off-set or reduce costs, allowing them to focus more on the students than on budgeting. It also works to create a greater sense of community, as the parents work together and teach each other's children in class. Tre's been thriving at UCP, and the fact is evident just in his attitude about school and the responses we've gotten from his teachers and the parents that have worked with him in class.

"Do I go to school today?"

"Why don't we go to school today?"

"Can I go to school tomorrow?"

To go along with the sense of a shared community that UCP fosters, they also have a number of social events, either to address administrative issues with the school or just to further the ties between the various parents and children. For instance, between mid-August and the beginning of November, we've had three potlucks and group outing already. It's a little different for those of us used to the public school system, where you never met another kid's parents unless you were friends with them, and the parents certainly didn't get together with your teachers on a regular basis to talk about things and plan out the agenda in the classroom. But, like I said, Tre's obviously thriving, and it's work we're all happy to do for him.

Another big event in September was Carol's (Bill's sister) wedding. She married Jay, her finance of several months now, up in Portland. The wedding was fairly low key, just friends and family, and unfortunately obligations and costs prevented us from taking the whole family up. However, Bill was able to take Siddha, so the Butter Bean got her first plane flight. Aside from a little of the normal grumpiness, she performed admirably, and she was a huge hit at the party after the wedding. She made the social rounds for hours, and Sara (Bill's other sister) commented she was the "hit of the party."

Towards the end of the month we wrapped up with the Annual Family Matters Picnic. The biggest thing I appreciate Family Matters for is their ability to create events that kids can relate to even outside their queer family's, but also an event that kids can relate to internally, since all the other kids there have queer family's too. I know a picnic or a BBQ isn't really anything special in and of itself, but being around other queer family's always allays some of my worries about sending my kids out into the world outside our home. Let me see if I can articulate it...I want a place where my kid feels don't feel different because they've got gay Dads. I also want my kids to experience normal things, but I don't want to have to deal with the potential issues of going to straight gatherings with my alternative family. Family Matter's picnic is the perfect combination. Normal activity (jumpers, face painting, bbq, and all that good stuff) with queer parents. Bill even got some footage of Tre and Nani going down the big slides.

Now that we're reaching the end of October, it feels like a profoundly full month. One thing to note about our blended family is that we've got a ton of birthdays in October. Don, me, Dan, Lisa, just to name a few. I think there's about four more as well. We've got more birthdays in October than we do in all the other months combined, I think. So a lot of this month flashed by in a series of birthday parties and events, like dinner and Dave and Buster's , dinner at the Dumpling Inn and desert at Tea-n-More (cute little tea shop on Clairemont Mesa Drive), and then a birthday trip to Bates Nut Farm. The farm is also a pumpkin patch, and they had a huge sort of fair like assembly of tents, games, arts and crafts, not to mention a straw labyrinth and pony rides, and pretty much fair food. They had a jumper slide there, and of course the kids wanted to ride it. I was surprised though, because Tre got to the top of the stairs, and then just waited for awhile instead of immediately coming down the slide. I figured out a few minutes later that it was because he was waiting for Nani, who's a much smaller child, to make her way up the line and get to the top, at which point they went down together. It sound a little cheesy, but I was really touched that he took that effort on his own.

Anybody who knows Tre also knows that he's not the most comfortable kid around animals. I'm not sure what the source is, but he'll just about run across the street to avoid walking next to a dog, and I'm pretty sure the cats are okay only because he has to live with them. So, I was pretty blown away when he immediately decided upon arriving that he wanted to ride the pony ride. Bigger animals == more comfortable? That I was not expecting. He was a trooper though, and didn't even get upset at all when we put him up there and strapped him in.

He went the whole time and had a blast. Who knew? We're pretty sure the way they were chained to the merry-go-round piece in the middle they may have seemed more like amusement park rides than animals.

Immediately after the BNF we followed up with another Family Matter's event, the indoor Halloween Carnival. Siddha was absolutely adorable in the lady bug costume that our friend Katy bought us, and as you can see, the Batman Tre took his cupcake making very seriously. Nani was also there, resplendent in Hobbit Gear. For all the reasons I described above I really enjoy these sorts of events, and the kids had a great time as well. It was a bit of a long day though, and pretty much every crashed after we got home.

Have I mentioned that for most of the weekends in October Torrey's been working at a family friend's costume shop? So not only have we been winging it short a Dad with a bunch of these events, but Torrey gets home beat from wrangling customers all day too. I have to admit, I'm really glad that one of us wants to stay home and take care of the kids. I can't imagine what we'd do if we got to the end of the day and all of us were wiped out from working full time jobs.

As a note, Tre went to no less than three pumpkin patches and two Halloween fairs/carnivals this month. The boy gets around, no doubt. And it helps that we've got a loving bunch of people surrounding us that all want to take our kids out and have fun with them.

As Siddha Bidda Butter Bean (our personal favorite pet name for the baby) gets older, Tre is starting to find her more and more interesting. It's obvious the feeling's mutual.

She spent about 20 minutes altogether, just watching Tre bounce around the room and laughing her head off. It's nice to see that Tre gets a kick out of entertaining her too. It bodes well for the fact that they'll be living together for at least the next 13 years.

We're preparing, as I write this, to head on over to the girls and take the kids trick or treating around their neighborhood, and then retire to their house and watch movies and hand out candy to the kids that come around. There's just not a lot of kids that come by our house, so it's become a bit of a traditional to go over to Lisa's. Tre's anxious to wear his Batman costume again, and we've got this adorable Godzilla costume for the baby, so look for pics to go up on our Flickr page pretty soon.

Changes, They Keep A-Coming

Once again I find myself scrambling to post something before the month passes me by. We've been coasting along on the new-daddies-to-a-newborn track fairly well while still letting the Boy know he is an equal part of our lives as the Butter Bean. The support has been awesome and our families have been a huge part of our success.

I put up a HUGE batch of pictures to Flcker so feel free to take a look. I hadn't realize how many pictures we had lying around to be posted, it ended up being a few hours of work but well worth it. It gave me the chance to actually relive the last few months over with a little perspective and it was awesome to see all the little things I had missed in the moment but that had been captured by the camera.

We took our trip to Santa Cruz and had a blast, it had to have been the best wedding we've been to to date. It was relaxed, intimate and so approachable. We felt like we had stopped by a friend's house and happened to come by during a great party. It was a mini-reunion as well - seeing many of our Northern California friends we hadn't seen for some time. The ceremony was sincere and honest - perfectly reflecting the couple. It was fabulous to take the whole family to all the happy places we know in Santa Cruz and weave them into those memories.

While up north we got the chance to swing by Apple and let people see the new baby and meet Treonte. He had a a great time - they have walls in Apple you can draw and write on. I posted a video of him being his happy self while we were there. Bill's co-workers were all incredibly eager to see the kids and we got waves of geeky support and love while walking the halls in his building. They had all pitched in for a portable crib and it was welcome addition on the trip. Babies have so much......stuff for lack of a better word and having a mobile command center for it all made the whole experience pleasant.

Siddha is vocalizing left and right. The loon-like calls and whimsical sing-song cries now greet us in the mornings and call us to task through out the day. She is not a baby prone to crying but rather she will give one disgruntled yell and then wait to see if we respond. I spent an afternoon watching her where every time I was not in line of vision she would call out and smile when I returned. She's smiling, laughing and grabbing things to taste them. She spends her waking moments now aggressively interacting with us and her environment. She is almost sleeping the night through so we're all very happy about that. She was put on about 3 lbs and 3 inches (1 inch/lb per month) since birth. She is doing great and is a content little person.

We have an appointment next week to start the official adoption process with Tre. The waiting period has passed for his birth parents to file an appeal and now we can start getting all the paperwork in order to present to the court. Our social workers think we should have the adoption finished by late October at the latest. We're trying to be excited but guarded about it. I know it's going to happen but who knows exactly when. The idea of being able to say Tre is our son in every sense of the word is intoxicating, I literally reel from the idea. To know he is our son and that no one can take him away on a whim is profound. Having been in foster care over half of my life and having once faced the daily feeling of impermanence, I for one will sleep more peacefully when he is adopted. It will also be wonderful to say to Tre that NOW he is adopted.

We still haven't had a chance to visit Deisha & Darnell but I am hoping to set up something up in the next month or so. I know I want to see how they're doing and give Tre the chance to see that people don't always leave your life forever. It will be a great chance for D & D to see the baby as well since all they saw was a very pregnant Leng. Our hope is to get together with the Baileys (Bill and his kids James & Jasmine) and them. To have a reunion of sorts with everyone in that area.

We went to Soak City again this year and had an excellent time. We invited several different families (Lae Lae, Rowena, Nathaniel, Katie, Nia, Lisa, Leng, Nani etc) and rented a cabana by the wave pool. We arrived just as they opened and left shortly before closing. I don't know how many of you recall the Boy's fear/anxiety around water but he is completely different child now. He eagerly went from activity to activity, relaxed and open to trying new rides. I love seeing him trust the world around him and looking to participate in things as fully as possible. Seeing children with crushed spirits carries for me a lingering sadness, it breaks something inside. To watch him breathe and live has been a gift. We have enjoyed this outing so much that it has officially become a Family Tradition.

My dad and his boyfriend Michael took the Boy to a baseball game and it was an outstanding success. My dad has really come through for me as a grandparent. I had little doubt that he would but I hear the horror stories of estranged relatives or open bias against adopted children. The struggle to have the children included and given equal consideration as biological family and I am glad to say I have had no such problem with any of my family or Bill or Larry. Even my dad's friends have made Tre the official mascot for Queerspawn and make him the center of the their world when he's around. I love my queer village.

That's all for now and as usual we welcome any and all to visit or make a connection with us down here in San Diego. I will be trying to make more connections myself in the next month with all of you. Till the next post, be well.

1 Month Down

A month has already passed and it's been great here at the Zoo. Siddha has already begun to put on weight, hold her head up and roll from her stomach to her back. Day by day we get to see more of her personality as she explores this new phase of her life. She is prone to staring and grabbing right now. Her favorite activity right now is to lay stomach down on a daddy and then raise her upper torso and lock eyes. She will look for awhile then slowly start panning her head around to see what else is around.

Leng's parents have been in town for the last few weeks and it has been incredible to see them interact with Tre and Siddha. They have been very open to our strange little family structure. They accept that while we may be odd we have built our family on the same fundamental principles as many of the families before us. Love, trust and hope. Well at least we have. :) They have greeted them with zeal and sincerity. I am happy to see that this part of the plan has worked out almost perfectly.

Larry's mom also came out for a visit as well and she was wonderful as usual. She reconnected with Tre as if no time had passed since their last meeting. It was reassuring to see Tre bonded/bonding with the adults around him, particularly the ones we want him to I'll admit. It is gratifying to watch him have normal healthy relationships with the people around him. He talks about friends at school and his teachers. He talks about events in his past and connects them to the his present. He expresses excitement about seeing other family members and clearly understands their place in his world. Grammy Jo was also a great help with Siddha and was awesome to have her here for the extra pair of hands. She even took a night with the baby so we adults could get some downtime. It was wonderful to have some time with her and to catch up. Larry always loves the time she gets to spend time with him and it was awesome to see him with her.

I know we have had many cries of more photos and we have been taking pictures so no fear there. I will try to find some time this week or next to get some posted to our Flickr account. I think we've got our routines down now so I should be able to get some time to sit in front of the computer and get photos sorted then posted up. Keep an eye out for the new stuff.

This month is going to be busy for us. We have Pride (Tre and Siddha's 1st) here in San Diego, a wedding up in Santa Cruz and a trip to visit Darnell & Deisha up at their new home. I'm curious to see how Siddha takes to the travel and new places during the month. I know Tre has been eager to take trips and vacations so I know he'll be fine. I am looking forward to Pride as a family and to show Tre the big wide world of other kids with Queer parents. I know he is always eager to see things that relate back to his family and life.

Well, that's it for now. We're all doing fine and welcome any visitors to the house to see the baby or Tre. :)

Like Father, Like Daughter!

So I would like you all to meet a little baby girl who represents only 5% of newborns out there. She was born on her due date (June 3rd 2009 at 12:45 pm) to show her sincere desire to be punctual and on time like her poppa. She was 7 lb & 6oz and 19" long when Leng gave the last mighty push that rocketed her (literally) into the arms of the waiting midwife.  She was the next in line of our home grown buddha babies (order yours now while supplies last) and only cried a tiny bit to let us know that her lungs were working just fine. She spent the rest of the time calming looking around and taking it all in. She was wrinkled like an old man (I am missing the hard wiring that makes all babies cute) and looked under inflated. She has a great way of making squinty faces like she was eating sour foods and her vocalizations that would make her an ideal extra in the next Star Wars movie. Think R2-D2 meets a midget wookie and you have it perfectly.

We have continued our trend of confusing people all around us with our blended family and our kind of nutty crunchy meets hard science lifestyle. Our midwives (who know their way around a baby) had some

 stumbling blocks with us. Lulled by our choice of a home birth they were stunned we asked for the vitamin K booster and eye ointment (often skipped by those more organic than us). We continued to stump them with the liberal passing of the baby around all involved and the 16 (yes that would be 16) people that we had through the house that day to see the newest Stouder-Studenmund. We had DNA techs (for the legal mumbo jumbo that awaits us egg challenged family types), friends (doing double duty as witnesses for the above legal whirlwind), family and even more friends. She was the belle of the ball from start to finish. We were flooded with the resounding cries of "She's perfect!" often quickly followed by "She's so cute!" or "She has your lips!". 

After everything had settled down we had time to relax at Leng & Lisa's house. More family and friends continued to trickle in and out to see her. Once again we encouraged any and all to hold her, to introduce themselves in a way that she could really get to know them. We fed her (thanks to her Egg Mama & Auntie Leng for the power food), bundled her up and took her to see her Nana Regina and even more family. It was perfect way to end her 1st day. She had met her Grandad Don early that evening and having them see her was something vital and needed in my life. It felt like the proper order of things.

I want to again thank everyone who has been with us as we have worked to build this family. I stand at the center of an experience impossible to describe in a single word or emotion. I see everyone in her face and hear your voices in her strange loon like calls. There is a universe in this little girl that humbles me anew with every passing moment. She is the perfect counterpoint to Tre and they together are the harmony of our family. I know no way to express my gratitude than to say you have all, every last single one of you, have blessed our lives. 

Thank you.

Forever Family

So I detest the term above as many of you know but it seems perfectly suited to the post. As you all know we had an emergency placement of two kids (Darnell & Deisha) for the past two months. It was an experience (code word for tough but doable) for all involved. We were able to get a lot of their immediate needs met and get them all set for their transition to their permanent adoptive placement. We worked with their new mom Trisha to slowly adjust their lives here to match the one they were going to. It was great to watch them respond to the positive changes and to see them make the choice to open up emotional and invest into what's happening around them. They had a few rough moments going from our house to Trisha's during their overnight visits. 

We had a wonderful pizza party for them the night before they moved to their new home. It was great to have our immediate family band together again and show them that we were happy to see them placed in a great new home. We got the kids some luggage avoiding the classic garbage bags used to transport their clothes before. We bought two large boxes for their toys and decorated them with stickers. We ate food, took photos and then helped them pack up their things. It felt very peaceful and hopeful, no feeling of anxiety or fear. The next morning they left with their new adoptive mom. It was perfect considering everything that has happened.

Their departure triggered another miracle for us the following morning. Tre woke up almost completely reverted to his old self. During the emergency placement he was very thin skinned and seemed to have no  emotional reserves. Anytime there was conflict it soon ended up with multiple children upset and vocal. We had a day of the following:

Tre: I think I need a nap, can I take one?

*long pause*

Me: Uhm sure bud.

Tre: I'm hungry, can I have some lunch soon?

*long pause*

Me: Of course, let's go see what we have.

He spent the day being himself. If he hit any walls (us telling him no for example), there was a pause as he took it in and then moved on to the next thing. It was beyond incredible to see him reset to where he was before the emergency placement. We had powered through the day getting his room set back up to its original configuration and it seemed to have paid off. We all did small joyful dances every time the Boy did something or said something that was like the Tre we had come to know and love.  It was reassuring to know that all the work and effort we put into him feeling safe and connected to us was still there. So he was plugged back into his "forever family".

The last person we're waiting for is Siddha. We have spent the last several years trying to make our family, working and struggling to make things happen but still maintain our identity as a family and we're almost done. We're in the window right now where Leng could give birth anytime so her being here is right around the corner. Leng's been having some contractions and she's thinks it's getting close now. We've got the nursery all set to go with a last round of shopping.  Everything is washed, sorted and put away. All we really need now is her. Leng's mother arrived a few days ago to help out over at the girl's house with Leng's recovery. After having three kids for the past two months a newborn baby sounds easy and effortless by comparison. So we're ready. :)

We have figured out the camera situation so I should be getting more photos up and more often. I promise to get the baby shower pictures up in the next week along with more photos that have been trapped on the thrice evil camera for all this time. So keep an eye out for new photo sets in the next few days or over the weeks if Siddha arrives soon. 

Thanks all for reading the blog despite being sporadic. I appreciate the connections being maintained and people staying in our lives anyway that they can. You have my personal gratitude and thanks, we have felt the care and love.  We're here now with our son and awaiting the arrival of our daughter because of everyone of you. 

So take a bow, you were wonderful.

It Showered!

Hello all! We had the shower this last weekend and it was fabulous. First off a big and hearty thanks to the Caloh family (Lisa, Leng and the little monkey) for running/throwing the whole thing. Bill's sister Sara also helped out a great deal before and after. Lena and Jennifer were great as well with the decorating and child wrangling. It was an event for the family put on by the family so for me it was a perfect circle.

We had about 30ish people in attendance and the food was yummy. Lisa set quite the spread with some culinary assistance from a few other guests. Megan baked some incredible cakes and we had a small herd of eight children sweeping through the house. The weather was perfect, warm without being uncomfortable so we had an easy flow of people moving in and out of the home. We had the backyard all set up (thanks Mike!) with a table for people to make some flags with personal messages for the nursery. It was soothing (strange but that's how I felt) to read over them all after the shower had ended. It felt right to have them and I always find immense comfort in things feeling right.

Jennifer and Lena stayed the weekend with us here at the Zoo. It has a tremendously positive impact on Deisha. She was clearly longing for some female of color energy and anyone that knows them, knows they have it in abundance. Jen assured us that Deisha just needs some time and attention to help her get caught up with her education. She gave us some great suggestions and literally made us some tools to help her get there. It was great to see her open up and really get comfortable in her own skin. They were great with both her and Darnell.

Bill's sisters came into town for the event and it was I think a great first meeting of them and Tre. We also got the opportunity to meet Carol's new boyfriend Jay (sp?) and he seemed relaxed with himself and their relationship. Always a good sign in my book. Bill was able to get a little adult time with them and enjoyed a lovely dinner out. They seem to get along well with our other friends at the shower and that was a relief. I worried that it might be a little awkward with the various social groups we associate with but no problems as far as I could see.

Tre is still struggling with sharing the house and the daddies with two other kids but the extra adult bodies helped ease that strain considerably. It allowed us to give him a little more time with us than we've been able to in the past few weeks. He's still pretty thin skinned but I feel like it's nothing permanent and once things get back to normal he'll bounce back to where he was before.

That's all from here and we missed everyone who couldn't make it but we felt the love and will pass it along.