4 + 2 = 6

So it's been an interesting time here at the zoo and very informative. We were contacted awhile ago about whether or not we want to stay on the list for potential placements with the county. Our success story with Tre has spread throughout the Child Protective Services and has changed many peoples minds about the idea of an adoptive family of three queer dads. Where we were once the "risky" family we have now been labeled a "resource" family. So we rode the wave of bitterness about being proven to be a supportive and nurturing placement despite our unconventional set up as we asserted from day one. After that passed we talked and decided to stay on the list. We waited and endured through the original rounds of general ignorance when we applied to be an adoptive family and we were rewarded with the Boy. He's a perfect fit for us - a toddler sized freak for a family of grown up freaks. :)

So we decided to trust in our karma and said yes to remaining on the list with the clear understanding that Tre was still our priority and that any other placement would need to work out with him and we would need to make sure his needs were continuing to be met. Then nothing for awhile from the county. Then this last Thursday they called and said they had an emergency placement they wanted to offer to us. So an emergency placement is a move of foster children that happens without the usual transition/prep time. Usually brought about by, well you guessed it - an emergency. In this case there were significant concerns about supervision of the kids in question. So the children are an 8 year old girl named Deisha (Dee ah sha) and a 4 year old boy named Darnell, siblings. 

We thought about it and talked at length. With it being an emergency placement we would have the option of it being a temporary placement with us. We had wanted three kids when we started this whole process and this would give us an opportunity to see what that would look/feel like. Also we had thought about adopting an older child in a year or two and this would allow us to see how Tre would deal with an older child being placed in the home. We talked some more and decided to go ahead and say yes. We were confident that we could do a lot for them even if they only stayed with us for a month or so. We made arrangements for the new kids to be dropped off the next day around 4 pm. 

Off to IKEA we went and bought some beds along with a few items to help them settle in with us. We rearranged Tre's room slightly to accommodate the extra kids and talked to the Boy about the change coming. They arrived and we began the process of unpacking them and getting everything sorted out. Made a few more shopping trips for essentials (socks, underwear, toothbrushes etc) and went over the rules of the family. Lisa came over and helped us get all the things organized and sorted (thanks!) and even gave Tre some time with just them to help him feel secure and attached. 

So Deisha and Darnell are great kids, no real outstanding behaviors and everything that they are doing makes complete sense considering their backgrounds but Tre is not doing well with them here. I think he's not ready to share us just yet with two other walking and talking kids. He has several serious melt downs every day much like when he first was placed with us. He gets along with them but there is a point he reaches where he needs/wants them to go away and leave him alone with his daddies (the exact sentence: It is time for them to go and for me to have alone time with my daddies.). I don't think this is a temporary issue either and frankly I'm not sure we should force him to adapt if it isn't needful to do so. 

I talked with friends near and abroad to get advice and see that they all thought. One woman wisely stated (thanks Jen!) that we weren't their Obi Wan Kenobi and their only hope so it was perfectly fine to turn down the placement. I'm meeting with their social worker tomorrow to let her know that we're more than willing to get them ready for their next placement but that it won't be with us. Their last caregiver didn't drive so several issues have fallen to the wayside like medical visits and the like. So we'll be getting them all checked out and assessed much like we did with Tre so that their next placement will have a firm idea of their needs and the possible resources out there for them. 

Bill has had several panic attacks which seems to indicate that his hard limit for children is two. Or if three they need to be spaced out over time for him to adjust. Larry has been fairly positive about three kids but doesn't have strong feeling one way or the other about Deisha and Darnell. For me I am not feeling the "click" I did when Tre was brought into our lives. It was almost a physical sensation when he met him for the first time. Something in me said "Yep that's him." While I enjoy the new kids I am not experiencing the same connection I did and do with the Boy. 

So we now know two kids seems to be the way to go and for now Tre needs to be the oldest one in our house. :) Lesson learned.