How Black is Black?

I had a great but difficult discussion with my dad (the one mentioned in the Post Turkey Update), Larry and Bill. I have been mulling it over in the back of my mind and I thought I would try to air it all out here and see if it gets any clearer. 

My dad has asked if we were going to do Kwanzaa with Tre. So for those not completely familiar with all of us - Larry has had a difficult time with the AA (african american) community being perceived  as not "black enough" and being "not white" with the white community so he has mixed feelings about it all to put it lightly. Larry stated in fairly clear terms that he has not interested in doing so and had a certain disdain for those that did. I watched for a few moments to see if they would negotiate the space and resolve it peacefully. 

When it looked like it was going to go for awhile I decided to join in. I jumped in and began to explain to my dad my concern about giving Tre our own version of what being black is or could be. That if our attempt to expose him to AA culture would it be useful after our retelling of it. My worry is that we would be unable to preserve enough of the experience to make it useful or even authentic. I can select themes from the AA community that are the same as being Queer but the fact of the matter is that I am not AA nor will I ever be. Larry is still struggling with his own feelings about being mixed race at times so I'm not sure where it will play out for him. 

So as we talked some more while the turkey cooked. My father seemed very receptive to my point of view - how authentic our teaching Tre of AA culture would and more importantly for me how receptive our welcome would be if we tried to intersect our lives with the AA community. I have already had some tense encounters with AA people when they realized that Tre is our son and that we're gay. I am not sure I am up to fighting to preserve my own sense of self while trying to shield my child from negative things but still create a place for him to safely learn about himself and his place in the larger world as a black man. 

I have spent too long creating a world for myself and finding my skin. I'm not sure engaging in a fight in the best case educating people over and over again about my right to exist and have a child or worst case facing down right bigotry so I can have my child be with people who have a less than flattering opinion of me, my family and ultimately of Tre's life. Am I setting him up to once again choose which life to invest in?  To decide how to be black but at what cost? I find the thought less than peaceful.

The discussion went on and it was lively as always but we're still wrestling with it all. So here I sit thoughts whirling around thinking about race, class, sexuality, gender and how it all intersects with my life and then my family. I wonder about the next bits coming up for Tre and how it will play out for him and whether he'll find a way to be comfortable in his skin and this life. The one comfort I have is that I know the life we can give him access to and the people we're surrounding him with will make that process easier or at least he'll have the support he'll need if it gets truly difficult. 

A small update on Siddha - we got some more tests back and there is no signs of significant genetic problems so another hurdle behind us. She appears to be on her way to us all healthy and happy. :)