How Black is Black?

I had a great but difficult discussion with my dad (the one mentioned in the Post Turkey Update), Larry and Bill. I have been mulling it over in the back of my mind and I thought I would try to air it all out here and see if it gets any clearer. 

My dad has asked if we were going to do Kwanzaa with Tre. So for those not completely familiar with all of us - Larry has had a difficult time with the AA (african american) community being perceived  as not "black enough" and being "not white" with the white community so he has mixed feelings about it all to put it lightly. Larry stated in fairly clear terms that he has not interested in doing so and had a certain disdain for those that did. I watched for a few moments to see if they would negotiate the space and resolve it peacefully. 

When it looked like it was going to go for awhile I decided to join in. I jumped in and began to explain to my dad my concern about giving Tre our own version of what being black is or could be. That if our attempt to expose him to AA culture would it be useful after our retelling of it. My worry is that we would be unable to preserve enough of the experience to make it useful or even authentic. I can select themes from the AA community that are the same as being Queer but the fact of the matter is that I am not AA nor will I ever be. Larry is still struggling with his own feelings about being mixed race at times so I'm not sure where it will play out for him. 

So as we talked some more while the turkey cooked. My father seemed very receptive to my point of view - how authentic our teaching Tre of AA culture would and more importantly for me how receptive our welcome would be if we tried to intersect our lives with the AA community. I have already had some tense encounters with AA people when they realized that Tre is our son and that we're gay. I am not sure I am up to fighting to preserve my own sense of self while trying to shield my child from negative things but still create a place for him to safely learn about himself and his place in the larger world as a black man. 

I have spent too long creating a world for myself and finding my skin. I'm not sure engaging in a fight in the best case educating people over and over again about my right to exist and have a child or worst case facing down right bigotry so I can have my child be with people who have a less than flattering opinion of me, my family and ultimately of Tre's life. Am I setting him up to once again choose which life to invest in?  To decide how to be black but at what cost? I find the thought less than peaceful.

The discussion went on and it was lively as always but we're still wrestling with it all. So here I sit thoughts whirling around thinking about race, class, sexuality, gender and how it all intersects with my life and then my family. I wonder about the next bits coming up for Tre and how it will play out for him and whether he'll find a way to be comfortable in his skin and this life. The one comfort I have is that I know the life we can give him access to and the people we're surrounding him with will make that process easier or at least he'll have the support he'll need if it gets truly difficult. 

A small update on Siddha - we got some more tests back and there is no signs of significant genetic problems so another hurdle behind us. She appears to be on her way to us all healthy and happy. :)

X=Siddha

Baby X is now Siddha since we saw her this last friday and all her tiny parts. I'll try to get the pictures up from the appointment so you may all behold the tiny person in the tummy. I'm excited a little bit more now that she actually looks like a human being and not some sort of giant alien tadpole. I was wanting a girl to have one of each, which appeals to my sense of symmetry and here she is. We had a breakfast celebrating the great unveiling with the girls and it was fun to gather around and eat food (our favorite form of thanksgiving) I've started talking to the Boy about being a big brother and his little sister in Auntie Leng's tummy laying the framework for the arrival of Siddha (early june).

For those of you who follow the blog you are well aware that I have yet to get the promised photos from Christmas up and for that I apologize. We got a new camera and for some reason I can't read the memory card from my iMac and it takes a little more effort to transfer images which involves Larry and his dreaded PC laptop. I've generated a trouble ticket for Tech Suuport (Billsers) to see if you can somehow fix this but we'll see. I do have some new photos on it of taking Tre bowling with a bunch of family/friends and he had a blast. He had no idea that bowling was something you could do in the real world as opposed to Wii Sports. Once this was discovered he made frequent daily requests to go bowling so as good indulgent fathers we complied. He had a blast and shrieked up a storm with the occasional yelps of joy. Our little howler monkey had a fantastic afternoon.

The Boy will have been with us for 6 months come the 28th and we're blown away how fast it went and that it was only 6 months. We received the paperwork to file as DeFacto Parents from the county and promptly filled them out in our ongoing effort to show the court our sincere intention to adopt Tre. I'm still unhappy with the push back to March but we did find out that his time with us will count towards the 6 months he needs to be with us before he can be adopted so we get something out of the delay at least (not counting him of course). We've settled into a pattern now with the county - every Wednesday therapy with Susan and then once a month Catherine (Tre's worker) visits to check in on him. 

Larry starts his last semester this month and then he'll have his Masters. We're all incredibly proud of him especially since he did the program in half the time (crazy I know). He's taking the summer off to bond with the baby then hits the job market come fall. He's ready to be done with school and get to actually working in his field. He has a definite need to bring in the bacon if you will. My dad says somehow I found two husbands who want to go out and work which is usually followed with a comment about snatching up more than my share of men. :)

We started going to the gym with a personal trainer named Tina and she is kicked our collective butts. I decided to spend the money in the hopes of being in better shape for when the new baby arrives and easing the strain on us for the first few months. We have gone to help out new parents several times and been greeted at the door by ragged and demoralized subhumans. My crazy plan is maybe with more energy/endurance we want devolve too far down the food chain when Siddha gets here. The 1st session was a brief sojourn into hell where a perky woman reached into my body and made pain blossom in places for the first time ever. Today was like a SM play-date with a friendly dominant who likes to know what we ate over the weekend. I am committed to course though and we're all sure it will have an impact. I got more out of the sessions than I have ever just going on my own and flailing on the machines so I am feeling proud of us for taking the steps to get healthier. :)

That's all for now and as always much love/thanks to everyone pulling for us and our new little family. 

The Whirlwind Subsides

*GASP*

So Christmas has come and gone for us here at the Zoo with a great deal of joy and a large sense of relief. We have had our 1st Christmas with the Boy and it was awesome. We have all been waiting for children to be in our lives and while we've loved Nani and have been blessed to have her in our lives; it was a different experience to watch our son (some day as I will explain later in the post) learn our rituals/customs around the holiday. He was excited to watch the house transform around him with the decorations and the tree going up. While it was exhilarating to experience I think we're all glad to on the other side and relaxing in the New Year.

With Tre here we've scaled down our parties and events this year. We had a small gathering over to decorate the tree instead of the big party we usually have and dinner on Christmas Eve was just family and immediate friends so that the Boy could get use to it. He had a great time though there were times it was confusing for him. There's a lot you can take for granted as normal but you become introspective and realize how strange it all is explaining it to a 4 year old boy.  He had lots of questions.

"That's a tree in the living room?"

"Yes it's called a Christmas tree."

"Will the Grinch take it?"

"No not this one."

"I can't jump on the tree?"

"No."

"Those presents are for me?"

"Not all of them, some are."

"Some presents are for me?"

"Yes."

I will try to upload some more photos to Flickr over the next week or so. We have shots from the tree decorating, Christmas Eve dinner and of course opening presents so keep an eye out. We got together with Tre's former foster mother Lynn for a dinner and had an informal party with other parents who had adopted children from Lynn's home. It was both wonderful and strained at times to juggle our the different threads of our new family but my hope is that at the end of the day the Boy will have a better sense of personal history by having all the parts of his life there in a seamless flow of events. One of the things I was always grateful to my dad for was allowing my past to exist in my present. 

Tre's .26 hearing was on the 16th and it was less than inspiring for us. They have deferred his hearing for 75 days (so March) since his birth mother has been difficult about picking up her notification papers. We also got a little scare when his birth father contacted Tre's social worker asking to see how his case was going. Apparently he was told that Tre was returning to his birth mother's custody and when he found out it was not the case he threatened to fight the adoption in court. After I calmed down it was clear that he had little chance of actually getting custody and as it turned out he never showed at the actual hearing or sent a representative. So we're obviously disappointed by the court's decision and struggling to keep an objective opinion about Tre's biological family. The upshot for us legally is that he is fast approaching the 6 month mark of being placed with us which means we can file to become DeFacto Parents which will give us a few more rights and a voice in the court proceedings. Silver lining is what we have to strive for in this process, wish us luck.

New Year's Eve was also kept small and intimate rather than the large party we usually have. We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner and the Boy was in rare form. He is usually a timid eater, always looking for the familiar foods ( macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers etc) but he was into trying new foods left and right. He dived into the wonton soup, went for the salt and pepper chicken and was asking to try dishes as they came out. When they went home and watched movies for awhile. At midnight we watched the ball dropped, toasted and then tucked him into bed. We have decided to have a big Lunar New Year's party with friends and family since I still love to have large gatherings. Frankly, we think he needs to get use to our style of entertaining so we'll take it in little bits here and there.

The excitement is slowly building over Baby X, in the next weeks or so we should know the gender of the wee one and can actually give him/her a name. I admit I have been having trouble getting as sentimental about the X yet, I think is large part due to having Tre right here in my life. I think that when him/her is actually born and sitting in front of us I'll have the rush of feeling everyone keeps having around me. I worry a little bit when I don't seem to be in the same emotional space as most of the people around me about Baby X  but I have no worry that when presented with a newborn that I'll kick into "daddy mode". Once again I am throwing out the request for boy names - we're still looking for suggestions so feel free to pass on any favorites you might all have.

That's all for now and Happy New Year to everyone!