Post Turkey Update

So we had the big feast here at our house with my brothers' and their families. We had a total of 18 people over for the day and it was wonderful. I rarely had large family style gatherings when I was with my bio family so it's refreshing to be able to do so as an adult. We had the women from the She Shack over (Lisa, Leng, Nani, Katie, and Nia) and my dad with a friend Marty (look for more on Marty down below). It was Tre's first time meeting my brothers and he seemed to get along fine with them. It helped that he had a sea of familiar faces to help ease the introduction. The food was delicious and the mood festive. 

We had a great discussion about race and identity with my dad while the food was cooking. My brothers rented a batch of sports video games and were having a grand old time in the living room. The kids were running through out the house screaming and laughing. A painting Norman Rockwell forgot to paint. 

This was our first time to really spend some time with Marty and we're all very happy with the fella my dad has been dating the last few weeks. He's a teacher (we've been attracting a lot of them lately into our lives) for the 2nd grade and a sweet soul. It is very obvious that he has a deep fondness for my pappa which always wins you points in my book. More importantly though, he was engaging and present with us during the time he was at our house. He was welcoming and open which speaks volumes about his own confidence with the relationship and himself. So while I am trying to not pressure my father I can say I would not be adverse to seeing more of Marty in the future.

Larry's mother Joannie (call sign Grammy Joe) arrived yesterday afternoon and the Boy has taken a shine to her almost immediately. As predicted she is/has been awesome with Tre. In fact over dinner he informed us that he wanted some alone time with Grammy Joe after he finished eating. It means a lot to all of us, especially Larry that she has made the time and space to meet the Boy. It is clear that she sees Tre as a grandson and has no issues with how he came to be family and that says volume about her love and compassion for him. It's great to soak up all the grandmother energy as well. Also it's a joy to see Larry's face light up when he sees her and hearing their happy voices as they talk all over the house. Hats off to Grammy Joe.

Speaking of grandmothers, Regina has also been rocking Tre's grandparent world. She sent over this bag she hand painted for Halloween filled with books and treats. I have been meaning to mention it but keep getting swept away in the tide of new events and forget to blog about it. Despite her crazy schedule she finds the time to make sure we know and he knows that she cares. She's always available with health advice as well. Tre had a nasty cold/flu a few weeks ago and she was great when I called to ask questions. She addressed all my concerns and then gave me a follow up call the following day to check back in and make sure we were all doing ok. Hats off to Nana Regina.

We've had a little bit of a setback with the adoption. Tre's biological mother has been difficult to reach and that county was unable to notify her of the .26 hearing so our court date was pushed back another 30 days. I'm feeling a little frustrated after running around like a crazy person for the court hearing to find out that nothing will happen until next month. *Sigh*

I've been adding new pictures to the Flickr site so take a look when you get a chance. Uploaded pictures from Dan & Megan's wedding, a few more Halloween ones and shots from Tre's 4th birthday party. I should have the Thanksgiving photos up by the weekend. We took a lot of pictures at the wedding (778 to be exact) so that may take me a little bit. :)

The next week we have Larry's brother Joe coming for a visit and this Sunday a big family outing to Legoland so there will be some photos from that and more to report from Tre's whirlwind month of meeting family.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and look forward to see many of you over the Christmas holiday!

We're Pregnant!

Hi again (time has eluded me once again) after a long pause. We've had a ton of things happen here at the house and in our lives. First is the announcement of us being pregnant or rather I should say Leng is. Many of you know what a roller coaster ride it has been with us trying to get/have kids. It appears after the years (oh my god!! it's been years!!) of struggle and soul searching we're right here with Tre and Baby X (since we don't know the gender yet we've been using that moniker for the new baby). Like clockwork Leng got pregnant on the 3rd try (just like Nani) but we've been waiting to tell people after the 1st trimester had passed. We wanted to avoid telling everyone and having something go wrong and having to tell people over and over again about the loss. But everything is going great and nothing has popped up.

To answer a few questions that pop up a lot we're hoping for a girl though will be just as tickled with a boy. We do want to know the gender but have to wait a little longer before they can tell us. The baby is biologically related to myself and Leng (my swimmers - our polite word for you know what and Leng's egg). The name we have picked out for a girl is Sidda and we are completely at a loss for a boy name so feel free to send suggestions our way if you have any favorite names. The baby's projected due date is early June/late July. We are having a baby shower early next year before the due date. All the OB appointments have been fine and we're sailing along with out any hitches thus far.

We've started telling Tre about the baby growing in Auntie Leng's tummy and he's been wrapping his brain around. It's helped we've had a nursery set up since he came to live with us so it has been a part of physical reality for some time. We've had several discussions about the bed where the baby will sleep and the changing table where the baby will get changed/ He seems positive and excited about it. I think he likes the idea of getting another title added to himself of brother. He has been asking what people will be after the baby leaves Auntie Leng's belly.

"What will I be?"

"You'll be a big brother."

"What will Auntie Leng be?"

"She'll be the baby's birth mother."

"What will you be?

"I will still be a daddy, yours and the babys."

It's been strange to reopen ourselves to the reality of actually having a baby. We had put the idea/concept aside and had embraced adoption. I personally accustomed myself to the notion that a group of relative strangers would be dictating how I raised my child till they were adopted. That all the major decisions until then would be compromises and negotiations with several different agencies and social workers. Now to have the options again to just raise a child as we see fit instead of by popular vote is refreshing and alien. So many things we had lamented not being able to do are now available. Like getting a call and finding out your car wasn't totaled but rather still sitting in your driveway ready to drive. While weird it has been a delight to have the power again with this baby.

Speaking of adoptions, the Boy has his .26 hearing coming up Dec 16th. Cross your fingers that the courts move quickly and take us closer to being able to make Tre a permanent part of our growing family. I have had several social worker visits, tests and evaluations these past weeks as people scrabble to get reports ready and submitted on time to the court for the hearing. Tre's adoption worker Catherine is going to try to get the judge to sever parental rights and set the date for the adoption at the next hearing as opposed to setting a date to set the date to adopt him (your tax dollars hard at work). We are hoping it works out that way.

With all the testing we've found out how much progress Tre has made with us. When he came to us he was below average/borderline deficient the developmental survey they give toddlers to chart their motor skills, verbal and reasoning. He scored below average borderline average just last week. the score for average is 90 and he scored a 89. The psychologist was visibly impressed by his improvement and during the Q&A portion of the interview was incredibly happy to hear about all the service we had advocated for him and that he was receiving. She said she was going to include a personal note in the survey about how passionate and committed she thought we were to Tre and his life. It was gratifying to hear and to have our efforts validated. It was nice to look up from the work we've been doing and say "Hey we did make some progress here!"

The Boy's birthday party was a great time. We had BBQ, balloons and kids. A perfect children's party in my opinion. He got a whole day of running from room to room with other kids trailing after him. He had a Batman cake with a motorcycle on it to keep. It was incredible to be with our family and friends, seeing their genuine love for him. I am struck anew by how much my life has changed and how thankful I am for the people that make up our village. When he finally went to bed that night we had the following chat.

"It was my birthday."

"It was."

"These are my balloons."

"You can have some balloons but we should share some with Nani and Nia."

"Why did I have a party?"

"Because everyone was so happy that you were born and we wanted you to know how happy you make us by being here."

"Everyone?'

"Yes everyone."

"I'm a good boy."

"Yes you are."

His present from us was a trip to Disneyland as I mentioned in my previous post since he was tall enough to ride most of the rides. We drove up and soon realized after we parked that they were fires in LA so as a result we spent the day in a post apocalyptic version of the happiest place on earth. We had California snow (ash) raining down all around us. At noon the light was dim like sunset and the sun was a baleful red orb like something you'd see hanging over Mordor. It had no effect on Tre whatsoever. He ran all over Toontown and had a blast. We saw all manner of things that were sized perfectly for him. We toured all manner of character houses (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, etc). We took a quick break from the ash and ate lunch indoors only to return to Toontown for another round of play and exploration. He had some candy, got a Finding Nemo baseball cap and picked out hats for his younger relatives and family friends.

After leaving there we went to Bill Bailey's house for a wonderful evening of playing, baking cookies, watching movies and having a sleep over in a tent. It was great to see the Boy playing with James and Jasmine. They all get along so well and really seem to enjoy each other's company. I of course, dig the gay dad vibe in the house and enjoy having a kindred spirit to talk shop with. Bill's house is completely kid friendly and sets you at ease. I normally find it hard to sleep in a new place but had no problems that night. After the kids went down we all watched a movie with swear words, half naked men and drag queens (The Bird Cage) and it was a delight. The next morning was three happy children racing in to see Larry and I asleep on an aero bed in the living room. Bill after cooking dinner for us the night before (a rare treat to not have to prepare a meal) made us breakfast as well. We decided to try to get together at least once a month with the Bailey family since it was a great experience for everyone.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away (EEEKKK!!) and we're having my family over as usual. This year will be only my brothers since my sister and her family just moved to Texas a few months ago and are in no shape to travel out here. The Calohs will be here as well as Katie and her daughter Nia. We're looking at about 14 to 16 people here for the great feast. I went shopping this morning with Lisa and bought all the supplies for the meal (thank all the little gods and goddesses for CostCo). I love having people gather at our home for the holidays. It's great to have smiling faces and happy voices fill the house. It was something sadly lacking in my own early childhood and something I cherished about my dad's house. We often had the strays and loners to our house for Thanksgiving and it's a tradition I've carried forth.

Then right after that we have Grammy Joe (Larry's momma Joanie) visiting for 8 days and to meet Tre for the 1st time. She had such a wonderful visit before and easily bonded with Nani during it that I have no worries about her ability to form a connection with Tre while she's here. She's also planning on coming out right after the baby is born to help us out for a few weeks which is just fantastic. She really has put out the effort to be involved in our lives and with our family despite living out of state and has quickly earned my admiration for it. She has been a great sounding board as well during the adoption process.

Ok that's about it for the last few weeks, as before I am trying to get the pictures from everything mentioned above on to Flickr but our camera was lost (we bought a new one to make sure we can get shots for turkey day and Joanie's visit) and I am trying to get copies of photos from other people who were taking pictures so hang in there.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Wedding

We made it! The wedding happened and we're all still here in one piece. It was a great ceremony and it was wonderful to see Dan & Megan together surrounded by friends and family. I still haven't had a chance to get some photos of the day uploaded to Flcker but I will try over the next week so keep an eye out.

So the last week was hectic to say the least. We ended in a hotel for most of the week due to plumbing problems at the house. They had to tear out most of the bathroom to fix a leak in the wall so we've been without water and unable to wash up. Lisa & Leng have been nice enough to let us shuttle over to their place to get washed up when we need to. So Dan & Megan had their after party for their wedding here at our place so we were able to get the toilet working and water so the party happened without a hitch. Add to it the street work right in front of our house so we can't even park in our own driveway. So noise outside from street work and noise inside to fix the plumbing = not much peace and quiet here at home. The upside to the bathroom repair is we're getting a much better tub in the deal and the insurance is covering a big chunk of the cost . The repairs should be complete by the end of this week and will be back to normal. :)

The Boy was adorable at the wedding as a hobbit, the wedding has a LoTR theme to it so there were elves, hobbits and men in armor all around. They had candy for the kids to find and an activity table for the kids to make their own trick or treat bags. There was yummy food and hip music to boot. We all had a lovely afternoon at the event and it was great to see my dad marry another happy couple in my life. After the wedding we rested at the hotel and then Tre went out trick or treating with his Aunties and the girls (Nia and Nani). He had a blast and has enough candy to last him until the next Halloween easy. 

This week has been hard on all of us with being uprooted from home and the stress that comes from large house projects. Add to it our growing concern over Tre. I was speaking with a friend from up north - Jennifer and she passed on sagely wisdom. Letting us know that his behavior getting worse or him having a harder time was an excellent sign that he was getting better. The Boy has been having crying jags here and there that explode out of nowhere so we've been having to be a little more flexible of late. We'll be doing bath time or getting dressed for school and he'll start to cry and want to be held. So I think we're doing the right things with and for him it can be a little bit of an emotional roller coaster for us. I can see him struggling to make sense of everything we just need to hang in there and give him the time/space to do it.

We have the Boy's birthday this Wednesday and we're having a birthday BBQ for him this Sunday at our house. We'll have eats and a big group over to celebrate the happy occasion with us. For his present we're going to take him to Disneyland and then visit Bill Bailey and his kids that evening for dinner and a slumber party. I'm looking forward to chasing Tre around the park and riding every ride that catches his eye and Larry is equally jazzed about the idea. It's also an opportunity for Billsers to get a chance to recharge his batteries and have some space for himself. It's a win/win scenario for all involved.

That's all for now but stay tuned for more updates. 

Tre's Big Weekend

Last weekend the Boy had a packed social schedule. We started on Saturday morning with getting him dressed up as The Batman for the Boo Parade & Carnival so we headed out. He had his three urban fairy dads in tow and met his Auntie Lisa, Auntie Leng and Nani on the parade route. Unfortunately the parade was a little slow to start so we only got to watch the first 15 to 20 minutes of it. Check out the Flcker page over the next couple days for the uploaded photos from the morning.

Then from the parade we went down to the carnival for lunch and to ride some rides. We ate some yummy food only available at carnivals. Larry took Tre to the rides to have some fun while adults rested and chatted. He came back happy and excited to be out and about. Then from there we headed home for a power nap back at the house. The Boy got up from his nap and we got him dressed to go to the park for a playdate with some other Queer dads and their kids at the park.

So the back story here for the gathering is that our friends Lae Lae & Rowena knew two other parents who adopted kids from the same foster home that Tre was at. In fact some of them were staying there at the same time Tre was. It was a small world in Queertown. We met Bill, Fransico and Laurie (sp?) that day. It was incredible to hang out with another non-black dad with black adoptive kids. We shared stories and swapped hair/skin care tips. We also got more insight into Tre and his foster mom Lynn that was invaluable. It was great to have a space to talk about the unique issues faced by queer parents adopting with the county. It was also humbling to meet single dads & moms raising kids with grace, poise and compassion. I tip my hat to Bill, Fransico and Laurie for the incredible effort they put into their kids everyday.

So if getting us together wasn't a gift in of itself, Lae Lae & Rowena went that extra mile (as usual) as hosts and has us all for dinner over at their house. Yummy homemade pizza (Laurie was also slinging cheese and dough as well), salad and some dessert including home baked finger cookies (very Halloween themed), ice cream and fresh fruit. The kids played, made music and had a blast playing for several hours. The adults got a chance to talk more and bond. It was a great time and fantastic dinner. We're hoping we've made new friends from the evening.

After that (oh yes there is more) we left there and went to my dad's 49th birthday party at his condo in Hillcrest. We arrived and the Boy became the belle of the ball. He had the whole room playing with him and he practically glowed from the attention he got over the next couple of hours. It was great to watch my dad in his first public appearance as Grandad Don and the obvious pride and love he felt for Tre. It only reaffirmed my pride and love for the Queer culture; where we gladly take outsiders, outcasts and the unwanted and make them family. There is a wealth of love and praise for people that we fold into our community. Once again I am so thankful to have found my tribe and to be able to introduce my son to them as well.

So after that we finally headed home to our house and peeled the Boy off the roof of the car ( to say he was stimulated would not do his state justice) and took him in to go to bed. He slept then got several hours of daddy time the next morning. He then went with his Aunties (Lisa & Leng) to a children's birthday party where he proceeded to play, play and play. He went back to their house and we picked him up that night. So all in all it was action packed for him. It was a good test run for the next weekend which will be Halloween and a costume wedding (Dan & Megan's) and our house getting some major plumbing renovations. Wish us luck.

Steps Forward

Once again we've made some pushes forward with the county and got the Boy some more services. This last week has been a series of "punches in the gut" moments. Tre has been having some odd moments here and there we think as he remembers more of his abuse or more accurately body memories of what happened. 

The other day we had some friends over and their kids as well. I was running around getting some things done with kids racing around and being well kids. Katie (friend from the SC bunch) got my attention that something was up with Tre. He had sort of huddled up on the floor between the wall and the dining room table. He could only really tell us he was not okay but not much more. He's had a few nights of nightmares and just last night couldn't sleep in his room so we set him up in the living room. It's jarring since most of the time he's a happy and engaging little guy then he has these moments and we just do what we can which feels like very little unfortunately but we're trying to remember that just having an adult saying "I'm here and your safe." is a huge deal for Tre.

We met with Susan Gordon (Tre's therapist at the Chadwick Center) and really liked her. First point in her favor was her complete acceptance of the three dad situation. It's amazing how much ground people can lose with us for not rolling with it. She was right on track with what we wanted for the Boy. Play therapy and helping him establish some safety rules for his body and himself. She was attentive and gave us the time/space to talk about all of our concerns about him and took in all our information. It was nice to have someone in a professional position listen to us for a change about Tre. She was very clear about how therapy may or may not affect Tre and left all of us with a strong sense of him being in good hands.

Regina and Don have been awesome (a trend they have really held strong to with Tre) with their newest grandson. Don took him sailing (check Flcker for the shots) and Tre is still talking about going on the boat. Regina has been sending regular care packages of books and educational things to Tre and we're planning a trip to her house to introduce him to the piano since he has a fondness for singing and dancing. I have been so happy and thankful for the space and time they have made in their lives for him. Thank you both so much!

We just had a run of birthdays this month (Saul, Lisa, Dan, Larry, Toria, Don - the list goes on) and just went out to dinner last night at the Corvette Diner (50s style place) for Lisa's birthday. The kids (Nani, Nia and Tre) had a blast with the loud music and colorful staff. Straws were woven into hair, bubble gum thrown through the air and some dancing made the night perfect for active toddlers. I'll try to get the picture up from that event later this week. We have my dad Don's party on Saturday night where a lot of his friends will meet Tre for the first time. 

Add to the birthday mix some Halloween fun as well. We're going to the Boo Parade & Carnival this Saturday morning where the Boy will be none other than The Batman! We're going with the Caloh family to check it out and eat some yummy carnival food. The later that afternoon we have a rare opportunity to spend some time with Tre's foster siblings who were adopted by a friend of our friend Lae Lae(six degrees). She is hosting a get together and dinner with other parents and their kids.  So busy weekend for us Stouder-Studenmunds. 

That's it from the Zoo and as always feel free to call, write or visit. :)

Understanding the Boy

So here I am again. Sorry for the gap there been a little busy with real life as they say. We've started some pretty intense work on Tre and making sure he's getting everything he needs. Bill and I went to the Chadwick Center for their orientation this last Tuesday and it was a difficult experience. Not the actual presentation but rather facing a room of parents facing huge challenges. I think I understood that the Center dealt with violence/trauma in the terms of families but it was a different matter to face people who had children who had been victimized in a myriad of ways. 

Like most meetings of this nature you're asked to give your name and why you're there and it was painful to watch other parents relive in small ways the abuse that their children had endured. The aura of anguish and guilt was palatable. You could see in everyone's eyes the need to understand and somehow undo all that happened to their children. It was a room of shell shocked survivors of a sort. I'm not exactly eager to go to the next two meetings but we're committed to the process so we'll hang in there.

All this week has been Tre saying things that leave all of us happy that he's learning he can trust us but worried as well. He says things like "Look at my back, did you see my back?" On his back is a C shaped scar from the physical abuse as well as his thigh. He talks to us about the scars and how he remembers going to the doctors and seems to get so sad and small. We've tried talking to him to see if we can get him to discuss the abuse but he always reaches a point where he shuts down. We ask him if he's sad or scared and that we're here for him. That he's safe now and can talk to us about anything that makes him feel sad or afraid. We're just not sure what to do beyond that. It's my hope that the Chadwick Center can help us make progress with him or at the very least give us a road map for what's happening to him.

We've gotten so good I think of avoiding his triggers that we (like many people) tend to forget the circumstances under which he came to us. Just last night we went out to dinner for Larry's 30th birthday (check out Flickr soon I'll have some photos up from the event) and as we walked from the car to the restaurant we passed a shadowed archway and Tre froze in place. He hovered on the edge of becoming hysterical and it threw us off for just a second. We quickly recovered and assured him that we were just going to walk on by and not go anywhere near the archway. It's moments like that that underscore the need for us to get a handle on what's going on in his head and help him sort it out.

Overall though he is a delightful and spirited person. He's always eager to play with us and the other kids in our life. He has really embraced the new extended family he has. He is joyful when any of his many Aunts or Uncles come by for a visit. He spends some time every day pointing out people in the photos all around our house and asking us if that's his Auntie Lisa or Nana Regina. Even though he's only been here for a little more than two months he feels fundamental to us. While the first week was hectic and had us scrambling since then it's felt like Tre has always been here from the beginning. I was prepared to feel some resentment or maybe irritation at having to shift my time and energies so completely but it hasn't come up. The same with Larry and Bill. While they both have had to make adjustments as well no where in the process did they feel like it was too much or anything negative about the compromises.

So like parents all over the world, we struggle to understand our child and to be what he needs in any given moment. I think we're doing ok. :)

Rock & Roll

Well, sorry for the fall off there in the blog but I spent the last weekend passing a kidney stone (the male equivalent of giving birth) and was heavily medicated for most of it. It took me a few days to get back on my feet and my head clear. I'm up and doing great now and wanted to catch everyone up on the doings of the 54th Street Zoo.

We met Tre's new social worker (Catherine Craft - name sounds like something you'd pick for theatre or porn) and she seems great. We had a meeting here at the house and she walked us through the next steps for Tre's adoption. We have to just wait so the county can show due diligence to the courts in trying to contact his birth parents and informing them of the .26 hearing. She actually knew our case which was a refreshing change from other social workers. After spending a year doing our home study, writing autobiographies, and going through several long interviews we had social workers who were supposedly familiar with our home study say insightful things like "You're a gay couple?" or "Who's Larry?". She seems very capable and has what appears to be a reasonable grasp on how everything is going to play out.

So I am going to try to avoid the parent trap of saying over and over again like some maniacal meat puppet "Tre's doing great!" or "He's doing just fine!". The Boy is doing pretty well over all but we have some concerns. He keeps complaining of stomach aches that don't seem to be related to food. I've been monitoring his bowel movements, changing up what he eats and making a note of when he complains about his tummy bothering him and I can't find anything solid except anxiety or tension. At this point most parents would have the option of taking him to the doctor's to get him checked out but we're still foster parents and face a few obstacles there. Medicare has to approve his visits and he had a wellness checkup (he gets one a year - that's right as a toddler he gets one visit a year to see if everything is okay) just before he came to live with us so they won't authorize a visit without gross physical symptoms (blood in his stool, throwing up, etc).  I loathe to lie at this point since we may have to deal with this agency for the next 6 months to a year.

So then I thought to myself what if we get a therapist to see Tre and they can verify he is anxious or tense and that might be affecting his stomach. We know he has a PTSD trigger (darkened archways or corridors can make him hysterical) that I have been trying to get the county to help us with by way of referrals to resources that could help us out or point us in the right direction in how to help the little guy. I decided they had a month and now it was my turn to try to see what could be done. I made some calls and found a great place attached to Children's Hospital called the Chadwick Center. I did some research, made calls and got the ball rolling but it will be at least another month before we can get someone from there to see him since we have to go through the county to get things started. We're feeling a little like we have our faces pressed against the glass trying to reach for what we need. It's extremely frustrating to say the least.

So while I think Tre is settling in with us we still have things to deal with and take care of. Any input anyone has on the things mentioned above, do not hesitate to comment/call/email us. As always we are grateful for the insight/help from our family/friends. 

The Bliss of Not Being

So we had our last visit with the San Diego Regional Center on Friday and we're happy to report that Tre is no longer eligible to be a consumer (their word for client) which means he has passed all their evaluations with no problems popping up. There were concerns from a brain bleed he had as a preemie that he might has some mild retardation (that is such an ugly word in my opinion) from it but all he has is a few development delays that we are addressing with his school and teacher. I am tremendously relieved to be honest. I lived with the worry from my own childhood that somehow it would leave a scar on me that wouldn't heal or fade with time and to have one less thing sticking with Tre is joyful bliss for me. We want him to have an many options for his future life as possible and seek to reduce the pain he may have to face. This is one less thing and we're thankful.

We just attended the annual Family Matters (as you can see I have mastered a new bit of blogging - links!) picnic on Sunday and had a blast, it was great to soak up all the alternative family vibes at the park. Tre's Grandad Don and Nana Regina were able to make it and were incredible to watch with Tre. Check out the flickr in a a bit, I'll upload some pictures from the event today or tomorrow. The Calohs (Lisa , Leng & Nani) were also there and all the families we've met here in San Diego. I was constantly thrilled at seeing families like my own all around me. To be able to say to Tre "Look she has so many daddies too!" I have an incredible sense of pride from being some of the first of the Queerspawn (last one I promise) here in San Diego. My dad jokingly said he should get an award or something or at least an honorable mention since he was a single gay dad before the trend hit. I couldn't agree more. 

Many of you have heard me say this in one form or another but my father is my hero. He was the single force in my life that gave me hope, dignity and the trust to live again. I am eternally thankful for all the things that my life is not due to the presence of Don. I am not alone, I am not ashamed of who I am and I am not nor ever will be without a family to support and love me. I believe in miracles because I have experienced one and I will not ever forget the grace and compassion that my father has bestowed upon me.

In the fashion of all good circles I am now back at a beginning with my own son (though not a single parent - more bliss) and knowing that this is where my father once was. I am blessed again with not being unaware of what impact I could have on Tre's life and I feel prepared. I've seen this moment before and I know what to do.

Thank you Papa. 

BLT as Fathers

So we've adopted the term BLT (Bill, Larry & Torrey) from Jennifer (one of the crazy women of the north - you all know who you are) to ease conversations with friends and family. It's faster to say and grows on you with use. I wanted to cover where each of us are in the process of learning to parent since it's a frequent question asked.

Bill is being possessed and having flashbacks. He finds himself being exactly like his parents which horrifies him. He was imprinted with the desire to control and moderate from his own childhood and anyone who's met Tre can tell you he and control are distant relations at best. He's struggling with separating his experience of childhood from how he wants to parent now. There are a lot of moments right now where they get locked in a struggle to decide who's going to make the oatmeal as an example. He's recommitted himself to laying his parents to rest and being a more present parent. But before I leave you with the impression that Bill is seeking Tre's ultimate submission to his will, I wanted to share that he is so enthralled with Tre as a tiny person. They spend time building things that whir and buzz (children and art) across the living room floor. Tre often uses Bill as a portable bed, climbing onto his belly and hanging out together. There is no doubt that he is Bill's son. 

Larry is doing great overall, ironically he has more conflict with us right now over Tre than with Tre himself. Larry had a very harsh and restrictive experience of fathers in particular his step-father so he is extremely sensitive to any notion of the Boy having a foot on his neck. He wants Tre to run feral it seems at time rather than risk squashing his free spirit and independent nature. As the person who frequently cleans up after Tre I find the idea less than appealing. We spend time reassuring Larry that our choices to limit Tre's behaviors  are more for his good than our benefit to which Larry cautiously agrees. Other than that one sticky issue (those of you familiar with Larry and his "lants" know exactly what we're talking about) his is also deep in the throes of fatherhood like Bill. He and Tre are often wrestling, laughing, and screaming their joy to the ceiling to my counter cry of "Inside voices!". He has a clear and present bond with the Boy that is mutual.

Now for me, have no fear I have no intention of leaving myself untouched in this editorial of our parenting. When we first got Tre I had two major bouts of crazy (ask Bill or Larry, they may mention more but they lie..............really they do) centered around him. First was my fear/worry/waking nightmare if you will of being responsible for raising an "oreo".  That the best I could do was raise him Queer when in all likelihood he would be straight. I obsessed about if he was tough enough and were we helping him be ready for racism in the larger world. I was certain he was going to find fault with his non-black father for cutting him off from a core part of who he was. Yes I knew he was three but still all I could do was flash forward to high school and life beyond. So after making myself miserable and the rest of the adult population in the house as well, I sort of snapped but in a good way. I would do what I could for Tre knowing it would be incomplete since I wasn't black. Raising his with a Queer culture would serve him in facing prejudice when he got older, we Queers have faced our share of violence, ugly words, and hatred through the years so our community had the resources to deal with those sorts of things. Queer is what we had so Queer is what he'll get. I wanted to love Tre and be there with him so it would have to do and it helped. The twisting spinning pulsing walls faded and I was better.

The second was the fact he was a concurrent placement from the county. For those of you unfamiliar with the term I will elaborate. In a concurrent placement the county is 90% to 95% sure that reunification will not happen (for numerous and sundry reasons) and they want to get a head start on getting the child to a more permanent placement sooner to cut down on the number of placements/disruptions they could experience. So an adoptive family has a better chance of being matched sooner by opting to be a concurrent placement family but they run the risk of the child going back to their birth family despite the odds. We had all talked about it and decided to go forward as a concurrent placement family. That in itself was a little scary but it felt manageable and we knew the whole process of adopting through the county was risky with our unconventional relationship.

So along came Tre who was badly beaten by his relatives (like me), had numerous scars at a young age (like me), who's extended family didn't want him (like me), who was suffering from a lack of prenatal care (like me), who had already been rejected by other adoptive families (like me) and who seemed destined to remain in the system till he aged out (again like me). The second crazy time for me stemmed directly from these facts. I felt an immediate connection to this child, while our lives differed on several points I knew enough of his story to see the life that was out there for him. We hadn't even finished the Telling (that's what they call the meeting you have where they give you all the details of the child's life) and I knew my answer. To their credit, Bill and Larry knew the answer as well. 

Tre came home and then I wrestled with the whole "non-black parent" thing.  I dealt with that and then to my dawning horror I realized perhaps for the first time that he might not stay with us. That he could go back to his parents. Yes I know they explained it to us and in fact I had just explained it to you but they forgot to mention that the child could be a person so achingly familiar to you that everything in you says bond! So I freaked out a little more as any good gay man can. I spent moments in my head that looked like this. 

"Ok, he's doing great lets praise him and let him know I care."

"Too much he could go away!"

"Ok, he wants to read and cuddle, great signs - he's attaching."

"Stay distant he could go away!"

So you get the drift. I was yo-yoing back and forth between trying to stay distant but be with Tre and address his needs. I watched in in silence as Bill and Larry threw themselves into the whole thing, screaming in my head about how terrible it was going to be when and if Tre had to leave us. As before I snapped in that good way. Tre was here for now and that's what mattered. I would be what he needed in the moment and go from there. 

So now I feel saner and I adore the Boy. He is an essential part of our family and we are blessed each day when he sees us and says "Hi!". He knows we're his daddies and he's our son. 

The Trouble with As and Os

Hi all!

So I'm a few weeks late on all of this but as friends of mine have done in the past, I may now wave the "with child" flag and be relieved of any responsibility and accountability. :) Truthfully, we've just had a run of days that needed more and more of our time but we've reached a point where we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Let me point out a few things to you all.

First off, Flickr is up and running. Just look to your left and you'll see a little photo box that will take you to our photostream. Just create an account or use your own to send us an invite to friend/family you and we'll get ya all set up to view them. Make sure to check out the wedding photos. We'll be adding photos pretty regularly so pop in now and then to see what's been added (almost sounds like a commercial there).

Next of course is the blog right here. This will be the hot spot for us to post about our experiences of being parents (good and bad) and what's new at the 54th Street Zoo. As I master this strange technology my hope is to let others post here about things that intersect with our lives but patience should be the word of the day where that's concerned.

The big news (at least for the foreseeable future) is Treonte. As you may have noticed his name is spelled with an O not an A. We only just found out when we finally got a copy of his birth certificate and have been waging an uphill battle to get his name corrected on as many forms as possible. In the same vein of things legal and involving paper we found out that his next court hearing has been set and they have set his .26 hearing. This is the point where they (the distant but we hope benevolent family court) decide whether he's adoptable. If they (in their infinite wisdom) decide he is thriving they will evaluate us to see if we are bonded and would make a good home for him. Keep the mojo coming!

The Boy (as we call him) has started school and is in love with the whole institution. He adores the entire process of getting ready for school, taking the bus, being there and then coming home to put his backpack away. We met his teacher prepared to battle ignorance and bring the light of alternative families to her world only to discover a dewy eyed optimistic teacher. Cautious we tested the waters with phrases such as "co-parenting" and "PTSD triggers" only to hear the sweet replies of "I did work on that in grad school." and "Good to know." So we couldn't be happier with Ms. Kayla and our experience with Carver Elementary.

We have also conquered the whole "hair & skin" issues. Thanks to everyone who threw life lines our way. He now has a regime of skin and hair care that has already had great results. My dad's co-worker Bridgett hooked us up with a great guy who's doing Tre's hair and it looks awesome. My friend Jennifer talked me down from the ledge with a guided visual tour via Google and we've decided on a very simple (but still stylish) close crop cut.

The cards and packages in the mail have been a blessing all over again. We have all been deeply moved (read misty eyed on occasion) by the generous spirit of our big extended family and Tre is continually amazed by the number of "Aunties" and "Uncles" he has. A frequent question asked is "They love me?" which we can confidently and happily reply. "Yep.". I heartily encouraged people to travel to visit us and meet the Boy Prince (another nickname). As new parents the cards and well wishing has been vital to maintaining the finger hold on what was our life before and keep us from falling into "just live for the kid" trap.

We had an amazing trip to the what we've been calling the Beach House for a week which really let us get the time to settle in with Tre. It had the added benefit of giving Tre the time and space to get to know his Auntie Leng & Lisa and their little girl Nani. Check out Flickr in the next couple of days and I'll get the photos from that trip up and viewable.

That's it for now but I will be babbling here off and on every week so stay tuned!

Love,

The Boys (all 4 of us now)