Pre-Thanksgiving Leftovers

So, not a lot of new stuff to put up right at the moment, but I did want to do a bit of follow-up from the end of October. It was fairly busy, and we did have at least two big events that I wanted to mention.

The first was Don's (Torrey's Dad) 50th birthday party. The whole

family spent most of the day at Don's condo, mingling and celebrating the man that raised Torrey. Torrey has done so much to help all of us, and he lays the praise squarely at Don's feet. I've heard him tell time and time again that if it wasn't for Don adopting him, he knows that he wouldn't have the happy life that he has now, and wouldn't have the resources to help all of us the way he has. So, besides being a great Grandpa and good friend, we have all that to thank Don for as well.

It was a pretty gala event, with a towering cake and a ton of guests.

Michael Ramirez did a lot to set up and organize the event, and we all chipped in before hand with a little elbow grease to help out. There were somewhere around 40 guests in Don's condo, so moving around required a good imitation of salmon swimming upstream. Highlights of the party included a video montage of all of Don's guests commenting on Don and their history with him, and Siddha, who was, as usual, the hit of the party.

The other big event at the end of the month was Halloween. The family as a whole has a good time, even though Torrey usually ends up working at the Costume Shop, which is

a good family friend of ours that is understandably swamped around this time of year. Everyone had a good time, with the kids Trick-or-Treating just before sundown around Lisa's neighborhood and scoring a ton of good loot. Lisa decorated her house, and was apparently so scary

she managed to keep a few of the younger kids from even making it to the door.

The kids costumes were adorable in their costumes, and even Lisa and Bill got into it. If

this was a photo blog, I'd add in a couple of dozen

great pictures we took of the kids in costume, Dan and

Megan in their amazing Daphne and Velma costumes, Torrey in his

Fabulous Fire thing, the house in all it's spooky Halloween glory, etc etc etc. But, if you're read

ing this, more likely than not you have our Flickr links with all the photo's up there. If not, look up on the right at the small montage of images,

and click on it to go to our photostream. Between use and the girls we probably have a hundred pictures up from that night, so there's plenty to go around.

Anywho, I'm going to leave it off there for now. I'll toss up another post fairly soon covering Tre's birthday party(ies) and the 54th Street Zoo Adoption Day gala.

And the season of Feasting and Pumpkins is upon us!

Good afternoon! You're regularly scheduled blogger couldn't be with you, but I'll happily be filling in.

It's been a couple of months since our last blog post (not that you'd have known it around here, time just flies when you're busy.) September was an excellent month. Tre started school at UCP (Unitarian Cooperative Preschool), which is a co-op preschool currently at the local Unitarian Universalist church (affectionately referred to as UU's). For those of you not familiar with a co-op school, they basically use time and effort donated by the parents of the children attending the school to off-set or reduce costs, allowing them to focus more on the students than on budgeting. It also works to create a greater sense of community, as the parents work together and teach each other's children in class. Tre's been thriving at UCP, and the fact is evident just in his attitude about school and the responses we've gotten from his teachers and the parents that have worked with him in class.

"Do I go to school today?"

"Why don't we go to school today?"

"Can I go to school tomorrow?"

To go along with the sense of a shared community that UCP fosters, they also have a number of social events, either to address administrative issues with the school or just to further the ties between the various parents and children. For instance, between mid-August and the beginning of November, we've had three potlucks and group outing already. It's a little different for those of us used to the public school system, where you never met another kid's parents unless you were friends with them, and the parents certainly didn't get together with your teachers on a regular basis to talk about things and plan out the agenda in the classroom. But, like I said, Tre's obviously thriving, and it's work we're all happy to do for him.

Another big event in September was Carol's (Bill's sister) wedding. She married Jay, her finance of several months now, up in Portland. The wedding was fairly low key, just friends and family, and unfortunately obligations and costs prevented us from taking the whole family up. However, Bill was able to take Siddha, so the Butter Bean got her first plane flight. Aside from a little of the normal grumpiness, she performed admirably, and she was a huge hit at the party after the wedding. She made the social rounds for hours, and Sara (Bill's other sister) commented she was the "hit of the party."

Towards the end of the month we wrapped up with the Annual Family Matters Picnic. The biggest thing I appreciate Family Matters for is their ability to create events that kids can relate to even outside their queer family's, but also an event that kids can relate to internally, since all the other kids there have queer family's too. I know a picnic or a BBQ isn't really anything special in and of itself, but being around other queer family's always allays some of my worries about sending my kids out into the world outside our home. Let me see if I can articulate it...I want a place where my kid feels don't feel different because they've got gay Dads. I also want my kids to experience normal things, but I don't want to have to deal with the potential issues of going to straight gatherings with my alternative family. Family Matter's picnic is the perfect combination. Normal activity (jumpers, face painting, bbq, and all that good stuff) with queer parents. Bill even got some footage of Tre and Nani going down the big slides.

Now that we're reaching the end of October, it feels like a profoundly full month. One thing to note about our blended family is that we've got a ton of birthdays in October. Don, me, Dan, Lisa, just to name a few. I think there's about four more as well. We've got more birthdays in October than we do in all the other months combined, I think. So a lot of this month flashed by in a series of birthday parties and events, like dinner and Dave and Buster's , dinner at the Dumpling Inn and desert at Tea-n-More (cute little tea shop on Clairemont Mesa Drive), and then a birthday trip to Bates Nut Farm. The farm is also a pumpkin patch, and they had a huge sort of fair like assembly of tents, games, arts and crafts, not to mention a straw labyrinth and pony rides, and pretty much fair food. They had a jumper slide there, and of course the kids wanted to ride it. I was surprised though, because Tre got to the top of the stairs, and then just waited for awhile instead of immediately coming down the slide. I figured out a few minutes later that it was because he was waiting for Nani, who's a much smaller child, to make her way up the line and get to the top, at which point they went down together. It sound a little cheesy, but I was really touched that he took that effort on his own.

Anybody who knows Tre also knows that he's not the most comfortable kid around animals. I'm not sure what the source is, but he'll just about run across the street to avoid walking next to a dog, and I'm pretty sure the cats are okay only because he has to live with them. So, I was pretty blown away when he immediately decided upon arriving that he wanted to ride the pony ride. Bigger animals == more comfortable? That I was not expecting. He was a trooper though, and didn't even get upset at all when we put him up there and strapped him in.

He went the whole time and had a blast. Who knew? We're pretty sure the way they were chained to the merry-go-round piece in the middle they may have seemed more like amusement park rides than animals.

Immediately after the BNF we followed up with another Family Matter's event, the indoor Halloween Carnival. Siddha was absolutely adorable in the lady bug costume that our friend Katy bought us, and as you can see, the Batman Tre took his cupcake making very seriously. Nani was also there, resplendent in Hobbit Gear. For all the reasons I described above I really enjoy these sorts of events, and the kids had a great time as well. It was a bit of a long day though, and pretty much every crashed after we got home.

Have I mentioned that for most of the weekends in October Torrey's been working at a family friend's costume shop? So not only have we been winging it short a Dad with a bunch of these events, but Torrey gets home beat from wrangling customers all day too. I have to admit, I'm really glad that one of us wants to stay home and take care of the kids. I can't imagine what we'd do if we got to the end of the day and all of us were wiped out from working full time jobs.

As a note, Tre went to no less than three pumpkin patches and two Halloween fairs/carnivals this month. The boy gets around, no doubt. And it helps that we've got a loving bunch of people surrounding us that all want to take our kids out and have fun with them.

As Siddha Bidda Butter Bean (our personal favorite pet name for the baby) gets older, Tre is starting to find her more and more interesting. It's obvious the feeling's mutual.

She spent about 20 minutes altogether, just watching Tre bounce around the room and laughing her head off. It's nice to see that Tre gets a kick out of entertaining her too. It bodes well for the fact that they'll be living together for at least the next 13 years.

We're preparing, as I write this, to head on over to the girls and take the kids trick or treating around their neighborhood, and then retire to their house and watch movies and hand out candy to the kids that come around. There's just not a lot of kids that come by our house, so it's become a bit of a traditional to go over to Lisa's. Tre's anxious to wear his Batman costume again, and we've got this adorable Godzilla costume for the baby, so look for pics to go up on our Flickr page pretty soon.

Changes, They Keep A-Coming

Once again I find myself scrambling to post something before the month passes me by. We've been coasting along on the new-daddies-to-a-newborn track fairly well while still letting the Boy know he is an equal part of our lives as the Butter Bean. The support has been awesome and our families have been a huge part of our success.

I put up a HUGE batch of pictures to Flcker so feel free to take a look. I hadn't realize how many pictures we had lying around to be posted, it ended up being a few hours of work but well worth it. It gave me the chance to actually relive the last few months over with a little perspective and it was awesome to see all the little things I had missed in the moment but that had been captured by the camera.

We took our trip to Santa Cruz and had a blast, it had to have been the best wedding we've been to to date. It was relaxed, intimate and so approachable. We felt like we had stopped by a friend's house and happened to come by during a great party. It was a mini-reunion as well - seeing many of our Northern California friends we hadn't seen for some time. The ceremony was sincere and honest - perfectly reflecting the couple. It was fabulous to take the whole family to all the happy places we know in Santa Cruz and weave them into those memories.

While up north we got the chance to swing by Apple and let people see the new baby and meet Treonte. He had a a great time - they have walls in Apple you can draw and write on. I posted a video of him being his happy self while we were there. Bill's co-workers were all incredibly eager to see the kids and we got waves of geeky support and love while walking the halls in his building. They had all pitched in for a portable crib and it was welcome addition on the trip. Babies have so much......stuff for lack of a better word and having a mobile command center for it all made the whole experience pleasant.

Siddha is vocalizing left and right. The loon-like calls and whimsical sing-song cries now greet us in the mornings and call us to task through out the day. She is not a baby prone to crying but rather she will give one disgruntled yell and then wait to see if we respond. I spent an afternoon watching her where every time I was not in line of vision she would call out and smile when I returned. She's smiling, laughing and grabbing things to taste them. She spends her waking moments now aggressively interacting with us and her environment. She is almost sleeping the night through so we're all very happy about that. She was put on about 3 lbs and 3 inches (1 inch/lb per month) since birth. She is doing great and is a content little person.

We have an appointment next week to start the official adoption process with Tre. The waiting period has passed for his birth parents to file an appeal and now we can start getting all the paperwork in order to present to the court. Our social workers think we should have the adoption finished by late October at the latest. We're trying to be excited but guarded about it. I know it's going to happen but who knows exactly when. The idea of being able to say Tre is our son in every sense of the word is intoxicating, I literally reel from the idea. To know he is our son and that no one can take him away on a whim is profound. Having been in foster care over half of my life and having once faced the daily feeling of impermanence, I for one will sleep more peacefully when he is adopted. It will also be wonderful to say to Tre that NOW he is adopted.

We still haven't had a chance to visit Deisha & Darnell but I am hoping to set up something up in the next month or so. I know I want to see how they're doing and give Tre the chance to see that people don't always leave your life forever. It will be a great chance for D & D to see the baby as well since all they saw was a very pregnant Leng. Our hope is to get together with the Baileys (Bill and his kids James & Jasmine) and them. To have a reunion of sorts with everyone in that area.

We went to Soak City again this year and had an excellent time. We invited several different families (Lae Lae, Rowena, Nathaniel, Katie, Nia, Lisa, Leng, Nani etc) and rented a cabana by the wave pool. We arrived just as they opened and left shortly before closing. I don't know how many of you recall the Boy's fear/anxiety around water but he is completely different child now. He eagerly went from activity to activity, relaxed and open to trying new rides. I love seeing him trust the world around him and looking to participate in things as fully as possible. Seeing children with crushed spirits carries for me a lingering sadness, it breaks something inside. To watch him breathe and live has been a gift. We have enjoyed this outing so much that it has officially become a Family Tradition.

My dad and his boyfriend Michael took the Boy to a baseball game and it was an outstanding success. My dad has really come through for me as a grandparent. I had little doubt that he would but I hear the horror stories of estranged relatives or open bias against adopted children. The struggle to have the children included and given equal consideration as biological family and I am glad to say I have had no such problem with any of my family or Bill or Larry. Even my dad's friends have made Tre the official mascot for Queerspawn and make him the center of the their world when he's around. I love my queer village.

That's all for now and as usual we welcome any and all to visit or make a connection with us down here in San Diego. I will be trying to make more connections myself in the next month with all of you. Till the next post, be well.

1 Month Down

A month has already passed and it's been great here at the Zoo. Siddha has already begun to put on weight, hold her head up and roll from her stomach to her back. Day by day we get to see more of her personality as she explores this new phase of her life. She is prone to staring and grabbing right now. Her favorite activity right now is to lay stomach down on a daddy and then raise her upper torso and lock eyes. She will look for awhile then slowly start panning her head around to see what else is around.

Leng's parents have been in town for the last few weeks and it has been incredible to see them interact with Tre and Siddha. They have been very open to our strange little family structure. They accept that while we may be odd we have built our family on the same fundamental principles as many of the families before us. Love, trust and hope. Well at least we have. :) They have greeted them with zeal and sincerity. I am happy to see that this part of the plan has worked out almost perfectly.

Larry's mom also came out for a visit as well and she was wonderful as usual. She reconnected with Tre as if no time had passed since their last meeting. It was reassuring to see Tre bonded/bonding with the adults around him, particularly the ones we want him to I'll admit. It is gratifying to watch him have normal healthy relationships with the people around him. He talks about friends at school and his teachers. He talks about events in his past and connects them to the his present. He expresses excitement about seeing other family members and clearly understands their place in his world. Grammy Jo was also a great help with Siddha and was awesome to have her here for the extra pair of hands. She even took a night with the baby so we adults could get some downtime. It was wonderful to have some time with her and to catch up. Larry always loves the time she gets to spend time with him and it was awesome to see him with her.

I know we have had many cries of more photos and we have been taking pictures so no fear there. I will try to find some time this week or next to get some posted to our Flickr account. I think we've got our routines down now so I should be able to get some time to sit in front of the computer and get photos sorted then posted up. Keep an eye out for the new stuff.

This month is going to be busy for us. We have Pride (Tre and Siddha's 1st) here in San Diego, a wedding up in Santa Cruz and a trip to visit Darnell & Deisha up at their new home. I'm curious to see how Siddha takes to the travel and new places during the month. I know Tre has been eager to take trips and vacations so I know he'll be fine. I am looking forward to Pride as a family and to show Tre the big wide world of other kids with Queer parents. I know he is always eager to see things that relate back to his family and life.

Well, that's it for now. We're all doing fine and welcome any visitors to the house to see the baby or Tre. :)

Like Father, Like Daughter!

So I would like you all to meet a little baby girl who represents only 5% of newborns out there. She was born on her due date (June 3rd 2009 at 12:45 pm) to show her sincere desire to be punctual and on time like her poppa. She was 7 lb & 6oz and 19" long when Leng gave the last mighty push that rocketed her (literally) into the arms of the waiting midwife.  She was the next in line of our home grown buddha babies (order yours now while supplies last) and only cried a tiny bit to let us know that her lungs were working just fine. She spent the rest of the time calming looking around and taking it all in. She was wrinkled like an old man (I am missing the hard wiring that makes all babies cute) and looked under inflated. She has a great way of making squinty faces like she was eating sour foods and her vocalizations that would make her an ideal extra in the next Star Wars movie. Think R2-D2 meets a midget wookie and you have it perfectly.

We have continued our trend of confusing people all around us with our blended family and our kind of nutty crunchy meets hard science lifestyle. Our midwives (who know their way around a baby) had some

 stumbling blocks with us. Lulled by our choice of a home birth they were stunned we asked for the vitamin K booster and eye ointment (often skipped by those more organic than us). We continued to stump them with the liberal passing of the baby around all involved and the 16 (yes that would be 16) people that we had through the house that day to see the newest Stouder-Studenmund. We had DNA techs (for the legal mumbo jumbo that awaits us egg challenged family types), friends (doing double duty as witnesses for the above legal whirlwind), family and even more friends. She was the belle of the ball from start to finish. We were flooded with the resounding cries of "She's perfect!" often quickly followed by "She's so cute!" or "She has your lips!". 

After everything had settled down we had time to relax at Leng & Lisa's house. More family and friends continued to trickle in and out to see her. Once again we encouraged any and all to hold her, to introduce themselves in a way that she could really get to know them. We fed her (thanks to her Egg Mama & Auntie Leng for the power food), bundled her up and took her to see her Nana Regina and even more family. It was perfect way to end her 1st day. She had met her Grandad Don early that evening and having them see her was something vital and needed in my life. It felt like the proper order of things.

I want to again thank everyone who has been with us as we have worked to build this family. I stand at the center of an experience impossible to describe in a single word or emotion. I see everyone in her face and hear your voices in her strange loon like calls. There is a universe in this little girl that humbles me anew with every passing moment. She is the perfect counterpoint to Tre and they together are the harmony of our family. I know no way to express my gratitude than to say you have all, every last single one of you, have blessed our lives. 

Thank you.

Forever Family

So I detest the term above as many of you know but it seems perfectly suited to the post. As you all know we had an emergency placement of two kids (Darnell & Deisha) for the past two months. It was an experience (code word for tough but doable) for all involved. We were able to get a lot of their immediate needs met and get them all set for their transition to their permanent adoptive placement. We worked with their new mom Trisha to slowly adjust their lives here to match the one they were going to. It was great to watch them respond to the positive changes and to see them make the choice to open up emotional and invest into what's happening around them. They had a few rough moments going from our house to Trisha's during their overnight visits. 

We had a wonderful pizza party for them the night before they moved to their new home. It was great to have our immediate family band together again and show them that we were happy to see them placed in a great new home. We got the kids some luggage avoiding the classic garbage bags used to transport their clothes before. We bought two large boxes for their toys and decorated them with stickers. We ate food, took photos and then helped them pack up their things. It felt very peaceful and hopeful, no feeling of anxiety or fear. The next morning they left with their new adoptive mom. It was perfect considering everything that has happened.

Their departure triggered another miracle for us the following morning. Tre woke up almost completely reverted to his old self. During the emergency placement he was very thin skinned and seemed to have no  emotional reserves. Anytime there was conflict it soon ended up with multiple children upset and vocal. We had a day of the following:

Tre: I think I need a nap, can I take one?

*long pause*

Me: Uhm sure bud.

Tre: I'm hungry, can I have some lunch soon?

*long pause*

Me: Of course, let's go see what we have.

He spent the day being himself. If he hit any walls (us telling him no for example), there was a pause as he took it in and then moved on to the next thing. It was beyond incredible to see him reset to where he was before the emergency placement. We had powered through the day getting his room set back up to its original configuration and it seemed to have paid off. We all did small joyful dances every time the Boy did something or said something that was like the Tre we had come to know and love.  It was reassuring to know that all the work and effort we put into him feeling safe and connected to us was still there. So he was plugged back into his "forever family".

The last person we're waiting for is Siddha. We have spent the last several years trying to make our family, working and struggling to make things happen but still maintain our identity as a family and we're almost done. We're in the window right now where Leng could give birth anytime so her being here is right around the corner. Leng's been having some contractions and she's thinks it's getting close now. We've got the nursery all set to go with a last round of shopping.  Everything is washed, sorted and put away. All we really need now is her. Leng's mother arrived a few days ago to help out over at the girl's house with Leng's recovery. After having three kids for the past two months a newborn baby sounds easy and effortless by comparison. So we're ready. :)

We have figured out the camera situation so I should be getting more photos up and more often. I promise to get the baby shower pictures up in the next week along with more photos that have been trapped on the thrice evil camera for all this time. So keep an eye out for new photo sets in the next few days or over the weeks if Siddha arrives soon. 

Thanks all for reading the blog despite being sporadic. I appreciate the connections being maintained and people staying in our lives anyway that they can. You have my personal gratitude and thanks, we have felt the care and love.  We're here now with our son and awaiting the arrival of our daughter because of everyone of you. 

So take a bow, you were wonderful.

It Showered!

Hello all! We had the shower this last weekend and it was fabulous. First off a big and hearty thanks to the Caloh family (Lisa, Leng and the little monkey) for running/throwing the whole thing. Bill's sister Sara also helped out a great deal before and after. Lena and Jennifer were great as well with the decorating and child wrangling. It was an event for the family put on by the family so for me it was a perfect circle.

We had about 30ish people in attendance and the food was yummy. Lisa set quite the spread with some culinary assistance from a few other guests. Megan baked some incredible cakes and we had a small herd of eight children sweeping through the house. The weather was perfect, warm without being uncomfortable so we had an easy flow of people moving in and out of the home. We had the backyard all set up (thanks Mike!) with a table for people to make some flags with personal messages for the nursery. It was soothing (strange but that's how I felt) to read over them all after the shower had ended. It felt right to have them and I always find immense comfort in things feeling right.

Jennifer and Lena stayed the weekend with us here at the Zoo. It has a tremendously positive impact on Deisha. She was clearly longing for some female of color energy and anyone that knows them, knows they have it in abundance. Jen assured us that Deisha just needs some time and attention to help her get caught up with her education. She gave us some great suggestions and literally made us some tools to help her get there. It was great to see her open up and really get comfortable in her own skin. They were great with both her and Darnell.

Bill's sisters came into town for the event and it was I think a great first meeting of them and Tre. We also got the opportunity to meet Carol's new boyfriend Jay (sp?) and he seemed relaxed with himself and their relationship. Always a good sign in my book. Bill was able to get a little adult time with them and enjoyed a lovely dinner out. They seem to get along well with our other friends at the shower and that was a relief. I worried that it might be a little awkward with the various social groups we associate with but no problems as far as I could see.

Tre is still struggling with sharing the house and the daddies with two other kids but the extra adult bodies helped ease that strain considerably. It allowed us to give him a little more time with us than we've been able to in the past few weeks. He's still pretty thin skinned but I feel like it's nothing permanent and once things get back to normal he'll bounce back to where he was before.

That's all from here and we missed everyone who couldn't make it but we felt the love and will pass it along. 

4 + 2 = 6

So it's been an interesting time here at the zoo and very informative. We were contacted awhile ago about whether or not we want to stay on the list for potential placements with the county. Our success story with Tre has spread throughout the Child Protective Services and has changed many peoples minds about the idea of an adoptive family of three queer dads. Where we were once the "risky" family we have now been labeled a "resource" family. So we rode the wave of bitterness about being proven to be a supportive and nurturing placement despite our unconventional set up as we asserted from day one. After that passed we talked and decided to stay on the list. We waited and endured through the original rounds of general ignorance when we applied to be an adoptive family and we were rewarded with the Boy. He's a perfect fit for us - a toddler sized freak for a family of grown up freaks. :)

So we decided to trust in our karma and said yes to remaining on the list with the clear understanding that Tre was still our priority and that any other placement would need to work out with him and we would need to make sure his needs were continuing to be met. Then nothing for awhile from the county. Then this last Thursday they called and said they had an emergency placement they wanted to offer to us. So an emergency placement is a move of foster children that happens without the usual transition/prep time. Usually brought about by, well you guessed it - an emergency. In this case there were significant concerns about supervision of the kids in question. So the children are an 8 year old girl named Deisha (Dee ah sha) and a 4 year old boy named Darnell, siblings. 

We thought about it and talked at length. With it being an emergency placement we would have the option of it being a temporary placement with us. We had wanted three kids when we started this whole process and this would give us an opportunity to see what that would look/feel like. Also we had thought about adopting an older child in a year or two and this would allow us to see how Tre would deal with an older child being placed in the home. We talked some more and decided to go ahead and say yes. We were confident that we could do a lot for them even if they only stayed with us for a month or so. We made arrangements for the new kids to be dropped off the next day around 4 pm. 

Off to IKEA we went and bought some beds along with a few items to help them settle in with us. We rearranged Tre's room slightly to accommodate the extra kids and talked to the Boy about the change coming. They arrived and we began the process of unpacking them and getting everything sorted out. Made a few more shopping trips for essentials (socks, underwear, toothbrushes etc) and went over the rules of the family. Lisa came over and helped us get all the things organized and sorted (thanks!) and even gave Tre some time with just them to help him feel secure and attached. 

So Deisha and Darnell are great kids, no real outstanding behaviors and everything that they are doing makes complete sense considering their backgrounds but Tre is not doing well with them here. I think he's not ready to share us just yet with two other walking and talking kids. He has several serious melt downs every day much like when he first was placed with us. He gets along with them but there is a point he reaches where he needs/wants them to go away and leave him alone with his daddies (the exact sentence: It is time for them to go and for me to have alone time with my daddies.). I don't think this is a temporary issue either and frankly I'm not sure we should force him to adapt if it isn't needful to do so. 

I talked with friends near and abroad to get advice and see that they all thought. One woman wisely stated (thanks Jen!) that we weren't their Obi Wan Kenobi and their only hope so it was perfectly fine to turn down the placement. I'm meeting with their social worker tomorrow to let her know that we're more than willing to get them ready for their next placement but that it won't be with us. Their last caregiver didn't drive so several issues have fallen to the wayside like medical visits and the like. So we'll be getting them all checked out and assessed much like we did with Tre so that their next placement will have a firm idea of their needs and the possible resources out there for them. 

Bill has had several panic attacks which seems to indicate that his hard limit for children is two. Or if three they need to be spaced out over time for him to adjust. Larry has been fairly positive about three kids but doesn't have strong feeling one way or the other about Deisha and Darnell. For me I am not feeling the "click" I did when Tre was brought into our lives. It was almost a physical sensation when he met him for the first time. Something in me said "Yep that's him." While I enjoy the new kids I am not experiencing the same connection I did and do with the Boy. 

So we now know two kids seems to be the way to go and for now Tre needs to be the oldest one in our house. :) Lesson learned. 

When Do You Scream?

So I ask myself that question a lot lately, while listening to gentle social workers explain once again that the courts have delayed his .26 hearing for another 75 days for example. As you can see we once again ride the county roller coaster waiting for them to allow us to adopt a boy who no one else seems to want. We went to court armed with reports - what reports you ask? Well, allow me to explain. Tre no longer qualifies for the SEEC program (special education early childhood) since we have got him up on all of his developmental delays, so we had some papers from his school telling the courts how we've put a tremendous amount of time and energy into his education. That we are engaged and responsible parents. 

The second batch of papers were from his therapist Susan. When Tre came to us he was having nightmares, had a series of behaviors relating to his trauma and was unable to relate to others in a meaningful and healthy way. She is confident now in Tre's place in our lives, the nightmares have all but stopped and his is the most out going and interactive child you'll meet. It is her recommendation that therapy be discontinued until a more profound problem or issue presents itself. She points out it was our initiative that got him into the therapy in the first place and he is in a family committed to his happiness and care, that we seem set to bring Tre into our lives in every way and she does not doubt our ability to continue to do so. 

The last batch of papers is from his own social worker, the reports of her monthly visits to our home where Tre has been living for over 6 months. In them it states that he seems attached and is making the transition very well. That we have made his comfort and happiness a priority in our lives and that our extended family fully supports us and accepts his place in our lives as our soon to be adopted son. It lists all the actions we've taken to help Tre address his specific issues and challenges. That we have petitioned the courts to be De Facto parents, and that we have set up a plan that in the case of our untimely deaths that our family be contacted to ensure Tre remains with them but still the continuance was issued. 

It seems his birth mother has disappeared or at least dropped below the radar so the notices they were publishing in her area to notify her of the hearing are no longer valid since she no longer lives in the area. The next action plan as they say is to do the noticing through her court appointed lawyer and meet again in May. We're less than pleased with this decision but there is little we can do than endure and see what happens next. So I am more than a little pissed off. It reminds me of all the nonsense I went through while I was in the system and while I know things are better now it still sets me off. It is clear that his birth family is taking steps to stop the adoption but for what reason we can only guess. In my better moments I think it's because no one wants to face that loss and wants to be a person declared unfit to care for their own children and she is trying in the only ways she knows or has to keep this moment from arriving. You can guess at my less than charitable thoughts regarding this situation.

So I have been avoiding posting not really wanting to get into this snarled mess of feelings but I was reminded by a friend (thanks Amber!) that people do read this blog to stay in touch and hear more about us and our emerging family so I am here doing my duty (joyful most times). Everything is going well with Siddha and in fact I am going to an appointment tomorrow to see how she's doing in her sheik little condo in Leng town which is getting smaller and smaller as she gets bigger. We keep learning how more complicated home births are when a surrogacy is involved. The last round of papers was about the things we need in order to get a birth certificate issued for her with our names on it. One example of the hoops we have to jump through includes the following: three handwritten letters (not typed and not a form letter either), each person must reside at a different residence and not be related to us, the mother or the baby or each other. They must testify to the location, time and date of Siddha's birth. Each letter must be notarized and not notarized by anyone related to us, the mother or the baby or anyone writing one of the three letters.  This is a sampling of what awaits us. 

So that's us right now. We have a schedule for getting the house ready for the arrival of Siddha, cleaning out rooms and making room for her and her stuff. We are planning the summer for Tre, thinking of things to do with him to try to burn off some of that inexhaustible energy he is blessed with and to make sure he gets daddy time while we adjust to the new baby. Check out Flickr since I put some more photos up last week. That's all from us and the zoo!

The Countdown Continues

Howdy all!

We've been going to appointments left and right over the last month. Been meeting with Midwifes and Doulas (I know more about the vagina than most women - what happened to my gay life?) to find the perfect fit for our special situation. We found a great woman (Vickii) who is a lesbian and has her office just up the street from us. She has done adoption births before and is a member of our community so it feels very natural and easy to explain our blended/extended family structure to her. She seems aggressive (which I love) but respectful (essential to this scenario) to our needs and how this birth will differ from a traditional home birth. Met with the Doula Amy and she also is very keen to make sure we have everything figured out so everyone gets the space they need while still having a successful birth at home. 

We got a letter sent home that Tre's school is more than likely going to be closed next year due to budget issues here in our area with the public schools. We of course were crushed but the news. We felt we had lucked out with our placement at Carver. Not only was his teacher young and energetic but eager to embrace our alternative family, but the principal was a good friend of our gay dad in arms Bill Bailey. We felt connected and sheltered from some of the very possible difficulties we face with schools. So our year of breathing room to decide what to do next with the Boy's education was cut to about 5 to 6 months tops. 

We've quickly realized that Tre's ability to learn and grow are tied to his emotional comfort. He needs to feel safe and connected to the adults which takes time for him. The idea of having to hop from program to program or school to school was not appealing. We were bouncing around the idea of private education especially in light of an article we had brought to our attention from my dad. There is a split in me at least about it. On one hand I believed very strongly in public education as a means to improve a society and believe that it can meet the needs of its students with the right resources and staff but I also recognize that Tre faces very different issues at school than most kids. A private education allows us to select an environment that will address him as a whole person and give him the resources he'll need on a daily basis to succeed. We could remove some of the challenges for him but simply selecting a private school whose philosophy would work with his special situation. The final line for us is that we are a family with a child who has special needs and we have the resources to get him what he needs so we're going to. In doing so, we free up resources for a family that may not have the same options as we do to utilize those same said (dwindling I might add) resources.

So a flurry of more tours and interviews was set up to check out preschools and K-8 schools. Our master plan to make the Boy more smarter was preschool for another year to give him more time to adjust and close the gaps in his developmental delays followed by K-8. We want to minimize the adjustment period from school to school so we wanted a school that would take him up to high school. We looked for places that had similar methods/philosophies so it would be a good fit for the two. I think we've succeeded.

For preschool he will be going to the Unitarian Cooperative Preschool in September. Ironically, this place is way hippy dippy and not a place I would naturally gravitate too but it's an awesome place for him. They see all of his differences as outstanding things to be celebrated and cherished. During the tour it took him all of five minutes to jump in and join the class which for Tre is nothing short of miraculous. Seeing this as a clear sign of divine will I questioned the director about my concerns (academic standards, credentials, ratios, discipline methods, etc - thanks to Jen and Katie for helping me flesh out my list) and found all the answers more than satisfactory. My father has had a long standing relationship with the Unitarian church as an affiliate minster (those who didn't know my papa works for God - bishop grade) and had great things to say about them. That all pretty much sealed the deal for the preschool slot.

For K-8 we were looking at The Child's Primary School and Mount Helix Academy. While I liked Mt Helix more personally TCP was clearly the better choice for the Boy. Mt Helix stressed academics more and was more similar to a traditional school and would probably be an easier transition to high school, it was lacking in being able to address Tre's special needs. I love the racial diversity in the school; every class had at least one or two black students in it. They lacked an emotional/social component that we feel is vital for Tre to succeed in school and later in life as well. TCP stressed created individuals who learn how to learn and helping the children understand their own strengths and weaknesses. They emphasize strategies for the children to be successful. The school is quite small (86 vs the 250 at Mt Helix) so it is a tight community which again works great with Tre. We also found out that children that thrived/excelled at UCP did equally well at TCP so it seems to meet our criteria about meshed philosophies. While I wish that TCP was a little more racially diverse I think it will still work for him in the long run.

The one thing that neither school did well was address our concerns about him being in a alternative family. While they gave the common liberal tag-line of it not being a problem and their acceptance of many different kinds of families, I was looking for something stronger and more definitive. I would have loved to hear that they actively worked with the LGBT community and had strong ties to the children's organizations in that community. That they had a zero tolerance policy for discrimination on the basis of sexual preference but I think I can live with the standard as it stands now. UCP was the one place that made it clear that they were a safe place for families that didn't follow the standard model of mom, dad and their 2.5 white kids. They make a point of ensuring every child there feels respected and they encourage people to expand their definition of family. So over all I am happy with it.

So the Boy's educational future no longer hangs in the void and Siddha now has a support staff to help her make the great escape in June. We're all doing great and love all of you so very much for the support/good wishes. Thanks!

How Black is Black?

I had a great but difficult discussion with my dad (the one mentioned in the Post Turkey Update), Larry and Bill. I have been mulling it over in the back of my mind and I thought I would try to air it all out here and see if it gets any clearer. 

My dad has asked if we were going to do Kwanzaa with Tre. So for those not completely familiar with all of us - Larry has had a difficult time with the AA (african american) community being perceived  as not "black enough" and being "not white" with the white community so he has mixed feelings about it all to put it lightly. Larry stated in fairly clear terms that he has not interested in doing so and had a certain disdain for those that did. I watched for a few moments to see if they would negotiate the space and resolve it peacefully. 

When it looked like it was going to go for awhile I decided to join in. I jumped in and began to explain to my dad my concern about giving Tre our own version of what being black is or could be. That if our attempt to expose him to AA culture would it be useful after our retelling of it. My worry is that we would be unable to preserve enough of the experience to make it useful or even authentic. I can select themes from the AA community that are the same as being Queer but the fact of the matter is that I am not AA nor will I ever be. Larry is still struggling with his own feelings about being mixed race at times so I'm not sure where it will play out for him. 

So as we talked some more while the turkey cooked. My father seemed very receptive to my point of view - how authentic our teaching Tre of AA culture would and more importantly for me how receptive our welcome would be if we tried to intersect our lives with the AA community. I have already had some tense encounters with AA people when they realized that Tre is our son and that we're gay. I am not sure I am up to fighting to preserve my own sense of self while trying to shield my child from negative things but still create a place for him to safely learn about himself and his place in the larger world as a black man. 

I have spent too long creating a world for myself and finding my skin. I'm not sure engaging in a fight in the best case educating people over and over again about my right to exist and have a child or worst case facing down right bigotry so I can have my child be with people who have a less than flattering opinion of me, my family and ultimately of Tre's life. Am I setting him up to once again choose which life to invest in?  To decide how to be black but at what cost? I find the thought less than peaceful.

The discussion went on and it was lively as always but we're still wrestling with it all. So here I sit thoughts whirling around thinking about race, class, sexuality, gender and how it all intersects with my life and then my family. I wonder about the next bits coming up for Tre and how it will play out for him and whether he'll find a way to be comfortable in his skin and this life. The one comfort I have is that I know the life we can give him access to and the people we're surrounding him with will make that process easier or at least he'll have the support he'll need if it gets truly difficult. 

A small update on Siddha - we got some more tests back and there is no signs of significant genetic problems so another hurdle behind us. She appears to be on her way to us all healthy and happy. :)

X=Siddha

Baby X is now Siddha since we saw her this last friday and all her tiny parts. I'll try to get the pictures up from the appointment so you may all behold the tiny person in the tummy. I'm excited a little bit more now that she actually looks like a human being and not some sort of giant alien tadpole. I was wanting a girl to have one of each, which appeals to my sense of symmetry and here she is. We had a breakfast celebrating the great unveiling with the girls and it was fun to gather around and eat food (our favorite form of thanksgiving) I've started talking to the Boy about being a big brother and his little sister in Auntie Leng's tummy laying the framework for the arrival of Siddha (early june).

For those of you who follow the blog you are well aware that I have yet to get the promised photos from Christmas up and for that I apologize. We got a new camera and for some reason I can't read the memory card from my iMac and it takes a little more effort to transfer images which involves Larry and his dreaded PC laptop. I've generated a trouble ticket for Tech Suuport (Billsers) to see if you can somehow fix this but we'll see. I do have some new photos on it of taking Tre bowling with a bunch of family/friends and he had a blast. He had no idea that bowling was something you could do in the real world as opposed to Wii Sports. Once this was discovered he made frequent daily requests to go bowling so as good indulgent fathers we complied. He had a blast and shrieked up a storm with the occasional yelps of joy. Our little howler monkey had a fantastic afternoon.

The Boy will have been with us for 6 months come the 28th and we're blown away how fast it went and that it was only 6 months. We received the paperwork to file as DeFacto Parents from the county and promptly filled them out in our ongoing effort to show the court our sincere intention to adopt Tre. I'm still unhappy with the push back to March but we did find out that his time with us will count towards the 6 months he needs to be with us before he can be adopted so we get something out of the delay at least (not counting him of course). We've settled into a pattern now with the county - every Wednesday therapy with Susan and then once a month Catherine (Tre's worker) visits to check in on him. 

Larry starts his last semester this month and then he'll have his Masters. We're all incredibly proud of him especially since he did the program in half the time (crazy I know). He's taking the summer off to bond with the baby then hits the job market come fall. He's ready to be done with school and get to actually working in his field. He has a definite need to bring in the bacon if you will. My dad says somehow I found two husbands who want to go out and work which is usually followed with a comment about snatching up more than my share of men. :)

We started going to the gym with a personal trainer named Tina and she is kicked our collective butts. I decided to spend the money in the hopes of being in better shape for when the new baby arrives and easing the strain on us for the first few months. We have gone to help out new parents several times and been greeted at the door by ragged and demoralized subhumans. My crazy plan is maybe with more energy/endurance we want devolve too far down the food chain when Siddha gets here. The 1st session was a brief sojourn into hell where a perky woman reached into my body and made pain blossom in places for the first time ever. Today was like a SM play-date with a friendly dominant who likes to know what we ate over the weekend. I am committed to course though and we're all sure it will have an impact. I got more out of the sessions than I have ever just going on my own and flailing on the machines so I am feeling proud of us for taking the steps to get healthier. :)

That's all for now and as always much love/thanks to everyone pulling for us and our new little family. 

The Whirlwind Subsides

*GASP*

So Christmas has come and gone for us here at the Zoo with a great deal of joy and a large sense of relief. We have had our 1st Christmas with the Boy and it was awesome. We have all been waiting for children to be in our lives and while we've loved Nani and have been blessed to have her in our lives; it was a different experience to watch our son (some day as I will explain later in the post) learn our rituals/customs around the holiday. He was excited to watch the house transform around him with the decorations and the tree going up. While it was exhilarating to experience I think we're all glad to on the other side and relaxing in the New Year.

With Tre here we've scaled down our parties and events this year. We had a small gathering over to decorate the tree instead of the big party we usually have and dinner on Christmas Eve was just family and immediate friends so that the Boy could get use to it. He had a great time though there were times it was confusing for him. There's a lot you can take for granted as normal but you become introspective and realize how strange it all is explaining it to a 4 year old boy.  He had lots of questions.

"That's a tree in the living room?"

"Yes it's called a Christmas tree."

"Will the Grinch take it?"

"No not this one."

"I can't jump on the tree?"

"No."

"Those presents are for me?"

"Not all of them, some are."

"Some presents are for me?"

"Yes."

I will try to upload some more photos to Flickr over the next week or so. We have shots from the tree decorating, Christmas Eve dinner and of course opening presents so keep an eye out. We got together with Tre's former foster mother Lynn for a dinner and had an informal party with other parents who had adopted children from Lynn's home. It was both wonderful and strained at times to juggle our the different threads of our new family but my hope is that at the end of the day the Boy will have a better sense of personal history by having all the parts of his life there in a seamless flow of events. One of the things I was always grateful to my dad for was allowing my past to exist in my present. 

Tre's .26 hearing was on the 16th and it was less than inspiring for us. They have deferred his hearing for 75 days (so March) since his birth mother has been difficult about picking up her notification papers. We also got a little scare when his birth father contacted Tre's social worker asking to see how his case was going. Apparently he was told that Tre was returning to his birth mother's custody and when he found out it was not the case he threatened to fight the adoption in court. After I calmed down it was clear that he had little chance of actually getting custody and as it turned out he never showed at the actual hearing or sent a representative. So we're obviously disappointed by the court's decision and struggling to keep an objective opinion about Tre's biological family. The upshot for us legally is that he is fast approaching the 6 month mark of being placed with us which means we can file to become DeFacto Parents which will give us a few more rights and a voice in the court proceedings. Silver lining is what we have to strive for in this process, wish us luck.

New Year's Eve was also kept small and intimate rather than the large party we usually have. We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner and the Boy was in rare form. He is usually a timid eater, always looking for the familiar foods ( macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers etc) but he was into trying new foods left and right. He dived into the wonton soup, went for the salt and pepper chicken and was asking to try dishes as they came out. When they went home and watched movies for awhile. At midnight we watched the ball dropped, toasted and then tucked him into bed. We have decided to have a big Lunar New Year's party with friends and family since I still love to have large gatherings. Frankly, we think he needs to get use to our style of entertaining so we'll take it in little bits here and there.

The excitement is slowly building over Baby X, in the next weeks or so we should know the gender of the wee one and can actually give him/her a name. I admit I have been having trouble getting as sentimental about the X yet, I think is large part due to having Tre right here in my life. I think that when him/her is actually born and sitting in front of us I'll have the rush of feeling everyone keeps having around me. I worry a little bit when I don't seem to be in the same emotional space as most of the people around me about Baby X  but I have no worry that when presented with a newborn that I'll kick into "daddy mode". Once again I am throwing out the request for boy names - we're still looking for suggestions so feel free to pass on any favorites you might all have.

That's all for now and Happy New Year to everyone!