Now for most people reading this I feel fairly confident that you know what I mean by "blended family" but just in case I have a new reader present I will explain. We started having kids faced with the common many queers face when deciding to reproduce - how? Lacking key elements to do so you are required to branch out to many different solutions - surrogacy, domestic adoption vs. international adoption, foster to adopt, etc. We talked and talked and talked and talked till we decided to do a blend of a lot of different things. We adopted Tre as a foster to adopt child and we used surrogacy for Nani and Siddha. So we have children sort of blurring the lines between the two families. We are mothers and fathers - aunts and uncles - primary and secondary caregivers - you get the picture. Our Queer Village.
So discussing our vision of a blended family we came back to the idea which has stuck with us of having a living situation where the kids flow naturally and effortlessly from one house to the next. So Leng did a search and found a property - 4848 Seminole Drive - it is perfect for our needs. The house is wonderful and has plenty of space for everyone including our newest addition to the family - Monica. Bathrooms to preserve the peace and plenty of room on the lot for the Calohs to build another house on it. It's still in incorporated San Diego and not very far from our current house. Further signs things are falling into place is my father needing a new place to live in the near future so we can rent this house to him without a lot of frustration or uncertainty of renting to strangers. Long story short we have put in a bid for the property and hopefully next month my blog post will be about us moving in.
This has made us realize that if we remodel this place into a McMansion - we will have no further room to grow except up to a 3rd story so getting a bigger place is the new action plan. Our hope is this place since it is zoned and has the room for the Calohs to build on so keep your fingers crossed for us. The decision to move has brought with it a series of necessary but unpleasant tasks such as purging the house of clutter and packing up with kids in tow but it is the best course of action so away we go!
We went to Nathaniel's 5th birthday and had a wonderful time. Check Flikcr for the posted pictures from the event. We always enjoy our time with the Musicos and I love seeing our kids together. I'm not sure if our children will be close friends when they grow up but at the very least they will know other people with same type of family and we have other parents to bond with over raising our queerspawn.
We have Siddha's second birthday coming up on Saturday at Kid Ventures. The time continues to zip by and here she is in her full glory as a toddler. She is talking in 3 to 4 words sentences and continues to express herself all over the place. This last weekend Auntie Monica gave her some fresh mint to smell and she wandered through the house to the dads asking them to "smhall" it and putting it under our noses. She is picking up words here and there as we talk with her trying to teach her what things are called. It's a delight to watch her acquire language and a rare joy offered to us in the act of raising her.
Tre has mastered shoe tying and is jubilant about the fact. We have started taking him to the Hillcrest Farmer's Market and letting him learn about commerce. He goes with ten dollars and then has to budget how to spend his money while there. He is learning about bartering, delayed gratification and about how he relates to the people he shops from. All the vendors there have been great. They have answered all his questions and seem delighted to have a young person inquiring about their farms and animals. He is making the connections between himself and the people around him - how him buying things starts a chain reaction of events. Lunch there lets him try to be a more adventurous eater - not one of Tre's strong points but knowing the people has made him more bold and knowing the food was made from ingredients he can see and touch has removed some of his trepidation in trying new foods.
We had a rough patch of about two weeks around Mother's Day but that seems to be smoothing out. We have been acknowledging the feeling but reinforcing the reality of his situation. He wants to hear that Michelle (his birth mother) cared/cares about him which is completely natural but as children his age do he started making things or inventing scenarios that showed what he needed.
Tre: "Michelle came to my 3rd birthday."
Dad: "No bud but I bet she wanted to and if she could've she would have been there."
Tre: "I'm coming to live with Michelle."
Dad: "I bet she would love to have you with her but right now this is the best place for you."
You see the pattern - good news is this is proving to be much easier to deal with then we thought. It seems clear he wants to know he matters to her and that she cares for him. Thanks to trust and love he has for us - telling him how she does care about him addresses that need for him. All the Aunties have been incredibly helpful - having women around him that love and support him goes a long way and we are extremely thankful for their love and devotion.
I wish his teacher could have been more supportive about it. She talked with me about Tre's recent behavior - how he was more fragile lately and prone to acting out with her. I explained that the push at school about Mother's Day (art projects, cards, books, etc) can be harder for an adopted child to which she looked surprised and blinked a few times and replied. "Oh...I hadn't thought of that." In my head I casually reached over and strangled her - ending her and Tre's suffering in one decisive act but instead I said. "Yes as I have mentioned before sometimes Tre's needs and reactions are going to differ due to that fact." I keep telling myself the year with her is almost over and that helps.
Grammy Jo arrives tomorrow afternoon and the kids are excited. As I have said in the past she is a rockstar of a grandparent. She makes time for multiple visits throughout the year and is keenly interested in the kids and getting to know them. We have never seen any difference in the way she relates to any of the children - all of them are her grandkids and they feel that blanket acceptance. We have a couple of activities lined up for her week long stay and we have plans to talk to her about the extra bedroom we have in the new house for her and to make it clear our intention for her to come stay with us when its time. Larry feels very strongly about caring for her like she did him and making a place for her in our lives and the lives of our children. Wish us luck!
That's everything from us here in San Diego - hopefully the next post will be all about the Compound we're trying to buy and build here. :) As always feel free to visit us - the more the merrier!
