Understanding the Boy

So here I am again. Sorry for the gap there been a little busy with real life as they say. We've started some pretty intense work on Tre and making sure he's getting everything he needs. Bill and I went to the Chadwick Center for their orientation this last Tuesday and it was a difficult experience. Not the actual presentation but rather facing a room of parents facing huge challenges. I think I understood that the Center dealt with violence/trauma in the terms of families but it was a different matter to face people who had children who had been victimized in a myriad of ways. 

Like most meetings of this nature you're asked to give your name and why you're there and it was painful to watch other parents relive in small ways the abuse that their children had endured. The aura of anguish and guilt was palatable. You could see in everyone's eyes the need to understand and somehow undo all that happened to their children. It was a room of shell shocked survivors of a sort. I'm not exactly eager to go to the next two meetings but we're committed to the process so we'll hang in there.

All this week has been Tre saying things that leave all of us happy that he's learning he can trust us but worried as well. He says things like "Look at my back, did you see my back?" On his back is a C shaped scar from the physical abuse as well as his thigh. He talks to us about the scars and how he remembers going to the doctors and seems to get so sad and small. We've tried talking to him to see if we can get him to discuss the abuse but he always reaches a point where he shuts down. We ask him if he's sad or scared and that we're here for him. That he's safe now and can talk to us about anything that makes him feel sad or afraid. We're just not sure what to do beyond that. It's my hope that the Chadwick Center can help us make progress with him or at the very least give us a road map for what's happening to him.

We've gotten so good I think of avoiding his triggers that we (like many people) tend to forget the circumstances under which he came to us. Just last night we went out to dinner for Larry's 30th birthday (check out Flickr soon I'll have some photos up from the event) and as we walked from the car to the restaurant we passed a shadowed archway and Tre froze in place. He hovered on the edge of becoming hysterical and it threw us off for just a second. We quickly recovered and assured him that we were just going to walk on by and not go anywhere near the archway. It's moments like that that underscore the need for us to get a handle on what's going on in his head and help him sort it out.

Overall though he is a delightful and spirited person. He's always eager to play with us and the other kids in our life. He has really embraced the new extended family he has. He is joyful when any of his many Aunts or Uncles come by for a visit. He spends some time every day pointing out people in the photos all around our house and asking us if that's his Auntie Lisa or Nana Regina. Even though he's only been here for a little more than two months he feels fundamental to us. While the first week was hectic and had us scrambling since then it's felt like Tre has always been here from the beginning. I was prepared to feel some resentment or maybe irritation at having to shift my time and energies so completely but it hasn't come up. The same with Larry and Bill. While they both have had to make adjustments as well no where in the process did they feel like it was too much or anything negative about the compromises.

So like parents all over the world, we struggle to understand our child and to be what he needs in any given moment. I think we're doing ok. :)